This Sunday is International Chocolate Egg and Reduced Shopping Hours Day! If you’re not a follower of this holiday’s patron saint Jesus: the Great and Powerful, why not pick yourself a new Messiah in the form of a great movie character who also came back from the dead? We’re a multi-faith organisation, and our collection has something for everyone.
Sporting a beard, shabby robes, a band of followers, and using phrases like ‘fellowship’, Gandalf is a great choice for those who want an alternative to Jesus but fear too much change. He smokes a lot though, and isn’t keen on turning the other cheek when faced with an aggressive orc army.
His death is a heroic one, battling an almighty balrog up and down mountains, enabling his companions to escape to safety and push onto Mordor. Far more stagecraft and theatricality that Jesus though, as he waits whole weeks before resurrecting in some kick-ass new white robes astride a souped-up horse.
Neo – The Matrix
A new messianic figure for a new generation. Neo is a computer hacker so, instead of overturning the tables of the moneylenders in the temple, could have just accessed their Cayman Island accounts and given them all terrible credit ratings. Like Jesus though, the authorities see Neo as a dangerous and subversive influence, and ultimately kill him. His resurrection is a little disappointing, when Trinity tells him she loves him, and the resulting kiss somehow fulfils a prophecy that restores Neo’s life.
The only real drawback to following Neo is that Matrix Revolutions is more impenetrable and preposterous than the book of Revelations.
The Bride – Kill Bill
Why should men get all the messianic worship? The Bride is the Holy Trinity all wrapped up in one; parent, murdered messenger of peace, and ghost from the past. She doesn’t believe too much in the idea of forgiveness though. If Jesus had taken a samurai sword with him to the Garden of Gethsemane, then Sunday School would have been a lot fucking cooler.
She may not have technically died, but she is in a coma for years, and then manages to escape being entombed by remembering a Kung-Fu training montage. Beats rolling away a rock from a cave, anyway.
E.T. – E.T. The Extra-terrestrial
Like Jesus, and Ghandi after him, E.T. is a proponent of peaceful resistance. E.T. comes to Earth from above, and inspires 10-year-old Elliot to love, fight, and free captive animals from their certain death. He can also heal the sick (well, sick flowers), and even ascend to the heavens. E.T. dies after being captured by the government of the land, but resurrects himself and, with the help of his disciples, escapes and returns to his family in the sky.
Basically, imagine the bible directed by Steven Spielberg and scored by John Williams. Who wouldn’t get on board with that?
Eric Draven – The Crow
The devil has all the best tunes, so why not even the stakes with rock star Eric Draven. Well, that’s if you consider the ‘best tunes’ to be a cross-breed of nineties emo-metal dirges. Killed by a gang who raped his girlfriend, Draven is reborn as The Crow, and seeks to take vengeance against the men who destroyed his life.
A little selfish for a potential messiah in my opinion.
Aslan – The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
Basically, he’s a talking Lion Jesus. Voiced by Liam Neeson.
Hallelujah, I believe!
Phil Connors – Groundhog Day
Basically, he’s Bill Murray.
Hallelujah, I believe, etc etc.