Christmas With The Coopers

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“Just don’t mention Jesus, tax or gun control.”

It’s CHRISTMAS! That means we’ve been listening to carols in the shops for a month; mince pies have been on the shelves for two and we are slap bang in the middle of another period of a bunch of moronic boiled piss over some imaginary boogie man trying to “ban Christmas because it offends them”. It also means we get to see who is in film purgatory this year as the latest ensemble Crimbo film hits theatres.

This year’s rotten, stinking turkey of a film is Christmas with the Coopers; a family comedy drama with a cast so great, so fully loaded, that it couldn’t possibly fail. Could it? One giant family, fully populated with Hollywood greats all spending Christmas together sounds great. Grandad and family patriarch Alan Alda; Diane Keaton, John Goodman and Marisa Tomei bringing up the next generation; followed by Olivia Wilde and Ed Helms. All joined by the outsiders to the family Amanda Seyfried and Anthony Mackie, everyone has a story and everyone is trying to get home for Christmas dinner.

So, a quick run down of what’s going on, because it’s so stupidly complicated that I swear it started life as a Christopher Nolan film. Alda spends his days chilling in a local cafe, sweet talking waitress Seyfried who’s just being nice to the old dude. Keaton and Goodman are planning to tell the family they are seperating at Christmas dinner so spend the whole film bickering like, well, an old couple. Tomei is the petty sister who spends he whole film in the back of Mackie’s police cruiser having been busted for stealing a tacky old broach. Wilde is avoiding home, and her mum’s pity, and decides to drag along a soldier, waiting for a plane to take him to his first deployment but stuck in a snowed in airport, home to pretend she has a man. Helms is a recently unemployed dad trying to find a job and make Christmas for his kids. It’s all just so, so complicated, and so convoluted, and takes so bloody long to get to some kind of point that by the time everyone is introduced and explained, I’m already half asleep. As everyone travels, with varying degrees of success, towards home where a light and breezy happy ever after is guaranteed because, let’s face it, it’s a Christmas movie and we’ve all seen this film a hundred times before.

All of this narrated to us, via the family dog, voiced by Steve Martin, clearly just here to make us all go “who the fuck is that? I know that voice? Who is that?” For the entire hour and three quarter running time.

For shit’s sake. Can’t we have a year off from these things? Christmas With The Coopers is easily one of the worst of these movies I’ve seen in a while. It can’t tell if it’s a comedy about families falling apart and getting back together, or a long, drawn out drama about families falling apart and getting back together! For every forced gag there is an equally strained attempt at dragging a lump into your throat as everyone learns the meaning of life, the universe and everything in it over one Christmas Eve. I mean, this film made me laugh a measly three times! Two of those times came from the same joke, told twice, both of those times were shown in the film’s trailer! Ok, the third laugh was awesome. I pissed myself at a supremely childish but amazingly timed fart joke. But these jokes, and the amazing comedy talents of greats like Alan Alda and Olivia Wilde just can’t save this over long, boring, mainly unfunny sack of reindeer crap!

But hey. At least this one doesn’t have Vince Vaughn in it.

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