Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie

absolutely-fabulous

“You lit it, now it’s a cigarette.”

There are days when I wish I could write for a living. I love it. Sharing my opinion of films I watch, or games I play, or books I– Nope, none of that intellectual nonsense; it’s a passion of mine. And whether you agree with me or not, I love to chat about films with everyone – just see me talking over our esteemed leader when Hellraiser came up on last week’s podcast.

But then there are days when I am glad I don’t do this as my job. Today is one of those days. If this was how I paid my bills, no way would I have been allowed to walk out of a film for the first time in years when I discovered just how much I fucking hated the Absolutely Fabulous movie.

Stuck in their 90’s heyday and finding themselves increasingly irrelevant in modern London, PR agent Edina (Jennifer Saunders) and magazine editor Patsy (Joanna Lumley) make a last ditch attempt at securing their futures when news breaks that supermodel Kate Moss has fired her PR agency and may need a new one. The pair’s brilliant plan to meet the superstar and convince her to come on board goes horribly wrong when Edina knocks Moss into the Thames where her body completely vanishes!

To escape the media frenzy, the inseparable women kidnap Edina’s granddaughter and head to the south of France with the teenager’s credit card as their only financial backing. Attempting to get their lives back on track while on the lamb, imbecilic hijinks ensue.

Between the insufferable twat bags “starring” in this 90 minute mong-fest and the awful, awful idea of what the queef-biscuits that wrote this ghastly nonsense – which includes Saunders – think is funny; you’re god damned right I walked out of this piece of shit with less than an hour having run.

If I heard one more self-obsessed ball-bag say “totes” or “adorbs”or some other bullshit from the douche-canoe dictionary, I swear on all that is holy that I would have burned down the cinema I was in. If I was forced to sit through one more out of date and out of touch gag from these unbearable cunt-stains that think snorting coke in a police station interrogation room is edgy and funny I would have pushed my car keys through my eyes just so I couldn’t see it any more.

I’m deadly serious. One more “oh darling”, one more glimpse of some weaponised shit-swizzler in a sweater covered in hashtags, or one more utterance from one of these goofy spunk bubbles about “the good old days” and I would have killed everyone in the screening and then myself.

For the record, I couldn’t give two wet shits if you’re politically correct or not. Be as offensive as you like. The more people raging at what you said, the better, as far as I am concerned.

But when your jokes aren’t funny and your visual gags aren’t hitting, you’re just a racist, homophobic cunt-dribble with a very obvious problem with transgender people. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is something you should be keeping to yourself and not asking people to pay to be subjected to on the big screen you angry little tit.

Not clever, not funny, and definitely not worth wasting any more of my time on it than I already have. I don’t have much else to say. Absolutely Fabulous is a steaming bag of flaming shit that should be ignored and left to fizzle out lest you end up unable to get the smell of what you just stamped on out of your nostrils.

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