Tag Archives: Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter

Using Windows 95 to defeat aliens, and other plot holes

The podcast’s very own Steve Norman talks us through the various plot-holes, and narrative choices in films that beguile, frustrate, and bemuse him. BEWARE – HERE BE SPOILERS…


Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Before he’s became president Abe was a vampire hunter going after the people who wronged his family. In his training he learnt that his weapon of choice had to be finished in silver to kill the enemy permanently.

Then when the vampires join the south during the civil war Lincoln seems to forget the fact that silver kills them for years, almost until it’s too late.

Surely such an experienced vampire slayer and one of the greatest men to have ever lived wouldn’t have overlooked such an important fact.

GOAL!

Mentioned in another article but a Mexican illegal immigrant living in the United States with no real footballing pedigree or background beyond an organised kick a bout would not be able to get a work permit to play for Newcastle United.

Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

Robots are pretty clever in Star Wars. C3PO can calculate the odds of navigating an asteroid field quicker than Ladbrokes can work out the odds of your five team accumulator. He can speak 3 million languages and in those awful prequels robots made up the whole Trade Federation army.

So why would the Empire not blast a single escape pod out of the sky just because it had no life forms on board. You’d have thought some jobs worth would have pulled the trigger as it was an Imperial directive 7563.

The Shawshank Redemption

Not breaking any ground with this revelation so I won’t dwell on it too much but how did Andy Dufresne get the poster back on the wall?

Indiana Jones: The Raiders of the Lost Ark

Not really a plot hole as Indy didn’t know what he was doing but Indiana Jones is responsible for the Second World War and the atrocities committed by the Nazis. If he doesn’t stop the Nazis, the Ark of the Covenant will make its way directly to Berlin and Adolf Hitler. When history’s second famous moustache (behind Neville Southall) opens the big box he and the majority of his high command will have their face melted off.

War over.

Toy Story

The toys know they are a toy that’s why they act inanimate and like toys when humans, or even dogs, are around. But when Buzz Lightyear comes into the fold he thinks he is a space ranger. So why does he act like a toy when Andy’s in the room?

Inglourious Basterds

Hugo Stiglitz is so famous everyone in the German army has heard of him. His face is in the papers as a traitor. So why when the Basterds go to the Inn does nobody recognise him?

Independence Day

I didn’t really want to include it but it’s in the title. However how an advanced alien race is able to have their systems hacked by Windows 95 is explained in a deleted scene. On that basis I’ll let it slide.

Feel free to offer up explanations to some of the ‘plot holes’ above, or even let us know the plot holes that have annoyed you over the years.

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Whine on You Crazy Diamond – Found Wanting

Welcome to another helping of the scooped-out mind-innards of yours truly. This week I want to talk about a style of film-making and, some might say, a genre in its own right – Found Footage.

On Saturday I went to see Paranormal Activity 4 (featured on this week’s Failed Critics Review podcast) and it reaffirmed all of the issues I have with found footage films. They are completely unrealistic, and actually alienate me as a viewer.

First let’s look at the reason people make found footage films. The bottom line is that they are cheap. Very, very cheap. The original Paranormal Activity only cost about $15,000 to make, and The Blair Witch Project was also made for peanuts. Studios love these films because they represent a low-risk green-light decision, especially in the horror genre which, more than any other genre it seems, has an inbuilt audience who are willing to give films a chance.

The reason these films are so cheap to make is not just because they don’t use expensive sets and equipment, but also because the people involved are cheap to hire. From the director, to the screenwriter (especially with a number of these films improvised in nature), to the actors (usually unknowns who are cheap, and this also helps make them seem more realistic. No one is going to believe Brad Pitt in a found footage movie).

So from a business point of view I totally get it. I even admire these films.

But from an artistic point of view?

The other argument I have heard in support of found footage films is that they are ‘more realistic’ and that in the horror genre this makes them scarier. This is where I have to disagree. In my opinion, found footage films are less ‘realistic’ than any stop-motion film, CGI-powered superhero film, or badly dubbed and bloodily violent 1970s kung-fu film.

Let me explain.

Cinema has been around for over 100 years. In that time, as a species we have evolved our perception of cinema as art-form and entertainment, and can now put ourselves in a state of suspended disbelief when watching a well-crafted film. When I watch The Exorcist, or Ringu, I forget that I am watching a film and get drawn into the horror that the characters are facing. This is despite the fact that I am seeing things that I couldn’t possibly see in real life – including camera angles and special effects. A well-directed and shot film feels ‘real’.

So any attempt to consciously make a film appear real has the opposite effect on me. My suspicions are instantly raised. I can’t suspend my disbelief and find myself asking questions – why are they talking about boring things in a film? Who ‘found’ this footage? Why are they recording this seemingly random set of events?

And that’s the killer for me – I spend the majority of every found footage film questioning why a character is filming that particular footage. Once a film sets itself up as being ultra-realistic, the slightest crack in the façade ruins the whole pretence. I have the same issue with 3D films presenting themselves as being more immersive, when in fact the opposite is true – but that’s for another day…

DVD – New out this week is Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter – and you can hear what we thought of that on the podcast here. Instead, why not treat yourself to one (or both) of the lovely re-releases of classic films available for the first time on Blu-ray. Steven Spielberg’s E.T., or Powell and Pressburger’s The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp.

TVLayer Cake. Film 4 on Fri 26 Oct at 9pm. If you’re not going to see Skyfall on Friday night, then why not watch Daniel Craig’s breakthrough performance in Matthew Vaughn’s debut film that is that very rare thing – an excellent, modern British gangster film.

Lovefilm InstantClose Encounters of the Third Kind (1977). If you’ve heeded my advice above and forked out on the Blu-ray release of E.T., then make an extra-terrestrial night of it and watch Spielberg’s other ‘they came from the stars’ classic from the era in which he could do no wrong.

Netflix UKDreams of a Life (2011). Recently discussed on the Failed Critics Review, this fascinating documentary investigates the circumstances around the death of Joyce Vincent who died in her bedsit aged 38, and lay undiscovered for three years.

Failed Critics: Episode 10 – Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

“Four score and seven days ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new film podcast, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all critics are created equal.”

Wise words from famous Failed Critics fan Abraham Lincoln. But how we feel about him, and his vampire killing exploits? Find out in this week’s podcast. Also this week we discuss films from the beginning and end of Spielberg’s career as James reports back on the new Jaws print, and Owen gives us his verdict on War Horse. Steve decided to watch Kill Keith. Yep.

In Triple Bill this week we discuss our favourite films that have been adapted from novels – and we have the first ever full-house as every critic (including the absent Gerry) picked the same film for their list.

James would just like to apologise for his performance this week. He was hungover, and ill-prepared. He let you all down, and he let himself down. Still, Steve is the one who gets the title of 3 films wrong…

LISTEN VIA ACAST FOR THE MOST INTERACTIVE EXPERIENCE

DIRECT DOWNLOAD LINK

The Good, the Bad, or the Ugly 0:00:00 – 0:32:52
Triple Bill 0:32:52 – 1:09:15
Main Review 1:09:15 – 1:24:00
Spoiler Alert 1:24:00 – 1:24:36