Tag Archives: Absolutely Fabulous

2016: A Year in Review, A Challenge Failed

“These timelines are so confusing.”  

2016 has been a real arse of a year, hasn’t it? With only a few days until this awful, awful year is behind us, I thought I would take a few words – OK, a lot of words – to share with you not only my challenge of the last twelve months, but my 365 day long journey towards failure.

I’ve been writing regularly for Failed Critics for more than a year now; closer to two, in fact. Between forcing Owen to constantly edit my pointless rants into something readable (sometimes two or three times a week) and being lucky enough to be invited to appear on the podcast every few weeks, I’m always watching something. But I got to the end of last year and thought that, considering what was becoming start a large part of my life, I wasn’t watching nearly enough. So I set myself simple enough challenge…

A film a day throughout 2016. That’s at least 365 unique films by the time we hit New Year’s Day 2017. They didn’t need to be brand new films, although of course some would have to be, but the list just needed to have 365 films on it.

Sadly, I failed. Miserably.

I started so well too. All those award season films we didn’t get until the new year and all those blu-rays I got for Christmas padded my numbers out nicely early on. With me making a real effort to watch everything in time for the Oscars podcasts in February, everything was looking peachy. The start of my year was looking great.

An early guest spot on fellow Failed Critic Tony Black’s Pick-a-Flick podcast in time for The Hateful Eight meant I banged through three Quentin Tarantino films in one night as preparation, not only filling in my spreadsheet super quick, but giving me the chance to have a night off. Similar super-fast binges followed for specials on South Korean cinema, Shane Black’s filmography and Batman Vs. Superman. It was all going so well.

Then, Deadpool happened.

Within our little echo chamber of people, there are a couple of things I’ve become a bit notorious for this year. The second of these was my explosion of hate and abuse that was my Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie review. A few hundred words of such utter contempt for a film that saw some of the worst things I’ve ever written put to paper for all to see. Everyone seemed to love it.

But the first was the fact that in its short theatrical run, I managed to see Deadpool ten times in the various cinemas local to me that, even with various Unlimited cards to my name, I still paid to see several times. It became the first movie this year that I pre-ordered on American iTunes to ensure I could watch it again as soon as possible, as well as buying a lovely looking steelbook blu-ray when it came out in the U.K.

As of right now, 2016 has seen me watch The Merc with the Mouth an insane sixteen times. But as great as that is, it had a pretty detrimental effect on my list of watched films. Filling out numbers with multiple viewings is great – more on that in a bit – but I wanted a unique film every day; and it was starting to look like it’d be a tough one to pull off now.

Months pass and, while I’m certain I’m going to fall short, I’m kept pretty busy. Between watching entire series’ within franchises before their latest instalments come out (*cough* The Purge: Election Year *cough*) and enjoying Suicide Squad enough to fit in multiple screenings, my numbers aren’t looking too bad. This might even be doable. Especially by the time August came around.

Baby’s first FrightFest!

I’m a long time horror fan. It’s usually my genre of choice and going to Fright Fest has been a dream of mine for years. This writing nonsense was the perfect (extra) excuse to spend a couple of hundred quid and get my arse to London. Sadly, work commitments (namely: hating my job), meant that my trip was kind of gimped and I could only manage three of the five days. But I saw some amazing stuff, including Rob Zombie’s latest gorefest, 31. It broke into my top ten instantly and is another film that I’ve paid to watch at least three times since I first saw it – including a trip to the hallowed grounds of the Prince Charles Cinema to see it on the big screen again.

Three days of non-stop horror added something like twenty films to my list in a short space of time. A welcome boost to my spreadsheet. The introduction of “Netflix of Horror” service Shudder to the UK certainly didn’t hurt either.

One of the reasons I set myself this challenge was because there was so much stuff taking up film watching time that I wanted to make space for more. But I also wanted to share it with the family. Obviously, my three year old can’t be watching Ringu, Suburra or Pet Sematary – all films that are on the list – but there’s a huge amount of children’s films that we can watch together. I could kill two birds with one stone; I can show Nikita a variety of films, avoiding the dross that is kid’s TV, and pad out my numbers during the day.

This backfired horribly. Instead of getting a ton of extra films on my list, I ended up watching thirteen films 83 times. EIGHTY THREE! This included sixteen views of Big Hero 6. We watched Zootropolis eight times, all of them at the cinema; and one ‘movies for juniors’ trip to see Kubo and the Two Strings, not at all influenced by the bollocking I took from Callum Petch for having not watched it yet. (Excellent little film, by the way). But, you know, she’s also squeezed in multiple watches of Jon Favreau’s The Jungle Book and the much hated Ghostbusters reboot, so I’m not going to complain too hard, even if the little git did ruin my numbers!

Of course it’s all well and good me blaming everyone else for me failing this ridiculous challenge. Once October rolled around, I had no one but myself to blame. It turned out that convincing Failed Critics head honcho Owen to give up his feed to me and my mate to chat bollocks about video games once a fortnight was the easy part to starting the Character Unlock podcast. Losing a night to record and a night (sometimes two) to editing eats away at your valuable film watching time. More than that, if you wanna talk about games, it helps if you’ve played them first! There goes more hours that could have been spent with my hands down my pants watching films. Damn, whatever was I thinking?

And that brings us to today. Where I’m sitting in the house on my own watching Scuzz TV and writing this instead of adding more films to my list. It’s no wonder I failed at this challenge this year. Hitting a little over half of the intended 365 unique films, I managed a measly 213. Once I tallied up the films I’d watched multiple times, whether it be with the little one or because I was weirdly obsessed with Ryan Reynolds’ spandex covered arse, my total is a slightly more respectable 344. Still not good enough, but I’m getting there.

So what does 2017 hold? Well, I’m looking to try the same challenge again once January kicks in, but I’ll be happy if I can beat this year’s numbers. I’ll be leaving Letterboxd aside and sticking to my Numbers spreadsheet and hoping for the best. With several long running franchises getting sequels this year, I’ll be binging through collections like Alien, Saw and The Fast and the Furious early on. I have every intention of hitting FrightFest stronger this year and getting to a few shows at the London Film Festival after having to skip it this year.

This time around though, I’m dragging you lot along with me. To try and force me to keep better track of what I’m doing, and hopefully to embarrass me enough to actually work at it, I’ll be putting together a monthly article covering the best and worst of what I’ve seen that month and hopefully start a bit of a running tally. I might not make it to 365, but I’m damn sure going to have fun trying. See you in January.

Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie

absolutely-fabulous

“You lit it, now it’s a cigarette.”

There are days when I wish I could write for a living. I love it. Sharing my opinion of films I watch, or games I play, or books I– Nope, none of that intellectual nonsense; it’s a passion of mine. And whether you agree with me or not, I love to chat about films with everyone – just see me talking over our esteemed leader when Hellraiser came up on last week’s podcast.

But then there are days when I am glad I don’t do this as my job. Today is one of those days. If this was how I paid my bills, no way would I have been allowed to walk out of a film for the first time in years when I discovered just how much I fucking hated the Absolutely Fabulous movie.

Stuck in their 90’s heyday and finding themselves increasingly irrelevant in modern London, PR agent Edina (Jennifer Saunders) and magazine editor Patsy (Joanna Lumley) make a last ditch attempt at securing their futures when news breaks that supermodel Kate Moss has fired her PR agency and may need a new one. The pair’s brilliant plan to meet the superstar and convince her to come on board goes horribly wrong when Edina knocks Moss into the Thames where her body completely vanishes!

To escape the media frenzy, the inseparable women kidnap Edina’s granddaughter and head to the south of France with the teenager’s credit card as their only financial backing. Attempting to get their lives back on track while on the lamb, imbecilic hijinks ensue.

Between the insufferable twat bags “starring” in this 90 minute mong-fest and the awful, awful idea of what the queef-biscuits that wrote this ghastly nonsense – which includes Saunders – think is funny; you’re god damned right I walked out of this piece of shit with less than an hour having run.

If I heard one more self-obsessed ball-bag say “totes” or “adorbs”or some other bullshit from the douche-canoe dictionary, I swear on all that is holy that I would have burned down the cinema I was in. If I was forced to sit through one more out of date and out of touch gag from these unbearable cunt-stains that think snorting coke in a police station interrogation room is edgy and funny I would have pushed my car keys through my eyes just so I couldn’t see it any more.

I’m deadly serious. One more “oh darling”, one more glimpse of some weaponised shit-swizzler in a sweater covered in hashtags, or one more utterance from one of these goofy spunk bubbles about “the good old days” and I would have killed everyone in the screening and then myself.

For the record, I couldn’t give two wet shits if you’re politically correct or not. Be as offensive as you like. The more people raging at what you said, the better, as far as I am concerned.

But when your jokes aren’t funny and your visual gags aren’t hitting, you’re just a racist, homophobic cunt-dribble with a very obvious problem with transgender people. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is something you should be keeping to yourself and not asking people to pay to be subjected to on the big screen you angry little tit.

Not clever, not funny, and definitely not worth wasting any more of my time on it than I already have. I don’t have much else to say. Absolutely Fabulous is a steaming bag of flaming shit that should be ignored and left to fizzle out lest you end up unable to get the smell of what you just stamped on out of your nostrils.