Tag Archives: disaster

Deepwater Horizon

“Hope isn’t a tactic.”

Besides an awareness that the events of Deepwater Horizon are set some time after that oil spill off the Gulf of Mexico, I knew absolutely nothing about the true inspiration for Deepwater Horizon. What I did know is that Peter Berg made it – a prospect I was somewhat interested in – and that he didn’t spoil his film this time with its damn title, just like he did with Lone Survivor.

Sadly, at about 40 seconds into the movie, the spoilers come thick and fast as you realise the audio playing over the titles is of Mike Williams (Mark Wahlberg) speaking at a hearing in the aftermath of the disaster we are about to watch.

At this point, my expectations were drastically lowered, anticipating that there would be no fear factor, no worry, not even a little “moderate threat” when it comes to the safety of our lead character. Berg virtually announced that Wahlberg is going to be A-OK.

But, there’s this moment about twenty minutes before the credits roll, where you forget all of that and you’re actually worried for Williams and his crew. You’re terrified that our hero isn’t going to make it to the end. It’s at that point that you realise that not only are you invested in this film and its characters, but that Peter Berg is actually a pretty good filmmaker when he wants to be.

Starting mere hours before an explosion that crippled and eventually destroyed the Deepwater Horizon, we see Williams and the other members of his crew – most importantly Kurt Russell, Gina Rodriguez and Ethan Suplee – board the floating oil rig while the owners of the company, and the rig, are playing fast and loose with safety guidelines to try and get the rig’s timetable back on track.

When the company force the crew to ignore warnings and get to drilling, things go really wrong, really quickly. As an explosion rocks through the drilling platform, leaving literal towers of flame in its wake. It’s every man for himself as they run for lifeboats and safety. This leaves Wahlberg and a couple of others to drag survivors out to the safety of the escape platform and hopefully save themselves too.

Forget all those worldwide Roland Emmerich disaster films we’ve been rolling our eyes at for God knows how long; Deepwater Horizon is, in my honest opinion, the best pure disaster movie we’ve seen in the last fifteen years.

We spend as much time getting to know about the team on the doomed rig as we do with the fire that destroyed it. Each of the important (and not so important) characters in this tragedy are given a fair share of time for us to know a little about them. We see their lives off the rig, their motivations and, most importantly, we get to see them being one of those makeshift families you kind of expect those groups to be in a place like that. It’s enough to get you to give slightly more than a passing shit about these guys, but not so much as to make you think this is going to be some severely underpaced melodrama instead of the action packed disaster piece we were promised.

Once we’re done meeting everyone, the tension is ramped up as we watch and wait for the inevitable to happen. The rig buckles under the strain and we feel the dread in the guys on the drilling floor before all hell breaks loose. We’re worried, but once things start to go completely tits up, we’re terrified for the guys we’ve just gotten to know.

The final act is a thing of beauty. Reportedly one of the biggest stages ever built for a film is burned and broken from every angle imaginable. As fire engulfs absolutely everything, including the sea surrounding the rig, your arse is on the edge of your seat as these men and women clamber for safety in any direction they can. The rig and the flames are the real standout of this show. It’s weirdly beautiful to watch and at the same time absolutely terrifying.

To not mention Mark Wahlberg’s performance would be a little mean. Watching the actor be an actual hero was outstanding; his usual repertoire of larger than life characters doesn’t compare to watching him play Joe Average in an anything-but-average situation and play it well. This is especially true towards the end of the film when more than one scene leaves you with a knot in your stomach and a lump in your throat. Whilst half of that is down to the situation, a lesser actor would have screwed it up completely. Needless to say, I love Wahlberg a little bit more after this one – and I’ve forgiven him Transformers 4.

Deepwater Horizon was a surprising film. Much better than I expected it to be and a much more heroic tale than I thought it was going to get when I swiped my Unlimited Card. An astonishing addition to an ever growing list of great films in 2016.

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Independence Day: Resurgence

independence day 2

Perhaps there was a modicum of irony in seeing a film titled ‘Independence Day’ on the day when the UK ‘Brexited’ the European Union, but on Friday, with the future of the human race (ok, European politics) in the balance, I went to watch the long awaited sequel to the 1996 blockbuster hit.

Resurgence takes place 20 years after the events of the original in an alternate timeline where the victory over the alien invaders has unified humanity and led to 20 years of peace on Earf, an advancement in technology and improved Earf defence as a return from the bad guys is expected.

Will Smith’s character, Captain Steven Hiller, does not return, killed off in some promo material for the film, but Jeff Goldblum is back as genius science ‘boffin’ David Levinson. He is joined by the returning Bill Pullman as ex-president Whitmore, as well as Judd Hirsch and Brent Spiner – and also Vivica Fox, whose character has had one hell of an upwards career trajectory.

Joining the heroes from the war of ’96 are Independence Day: The New Class, with Liam Hemsworth playing rebellious pilot Jake Morrison, Jessie Usher as Dylan ‘son of Smith’ Hiller, Maika Monroe as Whitmore’s daughter, as well as some others that we aren’t given the chance to care about.

And therein lies the biggest problem. The new cast are just so bland and boring. Now, they are not helped by a script that never gives us time to get to know them or know about them and some clunky as hell dialogue.

I suppose Hemsworth ‘the Lesser’ is fine. I think I may prefer him in this to the Hunger Games, but the other two new leads are just terrible. I mean out of this world bad. Usher as Hiller Jr is void of charm of charisma and is just wooden. Will Smith, who played his step-dad 20 years ago, with his personality and the way he can revel in this type of film, would have improved the movie. Instead we are left with someone who is meant to rally the troops and the audience but can barely muster a modicum of excitement.

Monroe as Whitmore’s daughter, the Whitmore who stirred the world with his rousing speech to send the human race to victory and freedom, is just as bad as Usher.

And the forced rapport between characters is terrible. Hemsworth and Monroe’s characters are an item. Before the aliens return, in a brief scene where we are meant to begin caring about these people, they mention buying a house but she shows little interest. Then amidst the destruction, she brings up the houses, for no reason, to which Hemsworth replies ‘if it’s still there’. Just… horrible.

However, this is not the worst line of the film. That goes to the new president who, when aliens find her hidden base/hole in the mountain, she declares, stoically: ‘There will be no peace.’

Which was obvious when the aliens destroyed half of Earf without even a hello.

While the dialogue is poor, perhaps getting the audience on board with the characters could have been improved by getting rid of some of the guff and replacing it with more time with the main cast.

For example, we could cut all the nonsense with Judd Hirsch’s Levinson snr, anything with Vivica Fox would have not taken away anything from the film, and probably even improved it.

It sounds like I hated the film doesn’t it? After all I’ve spent the whole review slagging it off. However, I still had fun.

Goldblum is good as Levinson, just as he was 20 years ago. Pullman was also on form as the troubled ex-president, as was Brent Spiner as the presumed dead Area 51 Scientist. If anything almost saves the film, it is the returning cast.

I also liked and appreciated the world building, and the way in which director Roland Emmerich – a man whose name is synonymous with modern disaster films – has chosen to explain to us what exactly has happened between the events of the first movie and this; such as the fact that there were still some aliens on Earf. It was interesting – and could have done with more of it.

It is not perfect by any means, and in some places is just really stupid. But providing you are not some kind of snob who looks down on this kind of film and can switch your brain off for 120 minutes, you will spend it not being bored (in spite of the films many issues) and at the end of the day, is that not what you want from a sequel 20 years in the making about an alien invasion?

Although, the setup for the threequel is just… mind bogglingly stupid.

Owen’s 2015 in Film: Part 9 – September Refuelled

As yet another month passes in 2015, it’s time for the next entry to Owen’s year in review series, looking at a selection of the films that he’s been watching throughout September. As with each of the previous articles in the series, the month will be broken down by week, with a review of one arbitrarily chosen film seen during each period.

by Owen Hughes (@ohughes86)

everest-base-camp-movieNormally in this series I’d pick whichever movie that I happened to fancy writing about. Be it the one I found the most interesting, the one I loved most, one that I hated, etc. It typically changes with each new entry.

However, having taken a look back through the whole month, it appears that I’ve seen at least one new release in each week of September. Therefore, I’m going to do something slightly different for this month’s article, I think. After all, it’s been a month of new starts for me personally, beginning life as a full time University student.

I’ve learnt a lot over the past five weeks; how to be a better writer, the essence of what being a journalist actually means – and just how much I missed going to work. Seriously. I spent just over one solitary week unemployed, having left employment on Friday 11th September before enrolling at University on Thursday 24th. It was horrible. My expectations were that it would feel like a holiday. A nice, albeit short break before my life completely changed.

Wrong.

It was a tedious, slow, excruciating week of sitting around doing nothing, getting more and more anxious about whether or not I’d done the right thing. I do not envy anybody who has to spend longer than that out of work. But at least it did give me a chance to reflect a little. Some time to think about the decisions I’d made; about what I had let myself in for.

Contrary to the seemingly popular opinion that student life is all about causing queue congestion by paying for everything with a cheque, staying in bed until 2pm and eating Pot Noodles for breakfast, it’s been bloody hard work. Rewarding and exciting. But hard.

It’s certainly threatening to scupper my plans to resurrect my Horrorble Month sequel, the project I completed last October where I watched a horror movie every day in the lead up to Halloween. It’s actually where I conceived the idea of doing this as a more regular thing.

Although, back in September, I did still manage to actually get through a decent number of movies. Starting with…


Week 1 – Tuesday 1 – Sunday 6 September 2015

Tuesday – Star*Men (2015), Welcome to Leith (2015), No Tears For The Dead (2014); Wednesday – [absolutely nothing]; Thursday – [absolutely nothing]; Friday – The 100 Year Old Man Who Climbed Out Of A Window And Disappeared (2014); Saturday – Area 51 (2015), Blood Lake (2014); Sunday – THE TRANSPORTER REFUELED (2015)

transporterI know it’s weird how I constantly feel the need to defend my preference for action movies; quite frankly, it shouldn’t be an issue. Taste is a subjective thing, of course. However, there is a stigma attached to the genre that suggests those who enjoy mindless action on camera are morons. Personally, I don’t subscribe to that opinion. People are entitled to enjoy whatever the hell they want and it’s not necessarily a reflection on your level of intelligence. Laugh at Adam Sandler if you want, cry whilst watching My Little Pony, ponder the nature of existence during the three hours of motorway footage you found on YouTube. It’s your choice. That said, what an absolutely enormous waste of everybody’s time the latest entry to the Transporter franchise is. From its tacky opening scenes trying (and failing) to revive the swagger that the original Luc Besson movie had in swathes, to its boring and overdue conclusion; I had no fun watching this whatsoever. The only thing more annoying than Ed Skrein’s Statham impersonation is the missing ‘L’ in the movie title. I love the original movie as much as anyone should, but the sequels have been subpar. Even The Stath agrees, given his comments in an interview with Sabotage Times about working with Ben Foster:

“…for me to be able to work opposite someone like that and not some hairdresser cast off the street – which is what happened with Transporter 3 – well, it was fantastic.”

At least The Transporter Refueled wasn’t quite that bad, I suppose. Also in its favour is that it did introduce the always watchable Ray Stevenson as the father of the notorious getaway driver Frank Martin. The plot too is acceptable (if badly structured) for this sort of film, with the delivery package this time being four women enacting their revenge. But it was in essence a dull, unexciting and incredibly stupid crapfest.


Week 2 – Monday 7 – Sunday 13 September 2015

Monday – Tabloid (2010)Tuesday – [absolutely nothing]; Wednesday – [absolutely nothing]; Thursday – Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002); Friday – [absolutely nothing]; Saturday – SONS OF BEN (2015)Sunday – The Hunted (2003)

sons of benOrdinarily I wouldn’t cover a film in this series that I’d already written a review for on the website and talked about on the podcast. Nevertheless, it: a) fits the criteria I set out in the introduction; and b) is an indie documentary that deserves a bit of extra publicity. As such, here are a few snippets from my original review to give you an overview:

“What happens when you’re a fan of the beautiful game in a country where football is not even close to being in the top three most popular sports on the continent, never mind without half a dozen teams a stones throw from your bedroom window? Well, if you’re in Philadelphia, then of course the only viable solution is to set up a supporters club called the Sons of Ben for a team that doesn’t yet exist. That’s exactly what Bryan James, Andrew Dillon, and David Flagler did in January 2007 hoping that one day a Major League Soccer franchise would open in their beloved home town.

“Director Jeffrey C. Bell tells the entire unbelievable story of this passionate community of soccer fans coming together to support a non-existent team, from its humble beginnings as a conversation at a bar, through to its surprising conclusion.

You can purchase Sons of Ben: The Movie on DVD directly from their website. They have other outlets such as streaming and digital download planned to happen soon so keep an eye on their Twitter and Facebook pages for updates. In the meantime, check out the trailer below.”

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqAFIAHox6w]

Week 3 – Monday 14 – Sunday 20 September 2015

Monday – L’eclisse (1962)Tuesday – Mortal Kombat (1995), Legend (2015)Wednesday – Starry Eyes (2014); Thursday – Street Fighter II: The Animated Movie (1994)Friday – Class of Nuke ’em High (1986), Pernicious (2015)Saturday – Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)Sunday – EVEREST (2015)

60ea71a0-dcbf-4e43-92f6-415984fbdbd6-1020x612To borrow an often used football cliché, director Baltasar Kormákur‘s Everest is a film of two halves. The first hour of this adventure-turned-disaster movie is mind numbingly slow. It drags. There’s a lot of emphasis placed on the characters involved in this 1990’s expedition to the summit of Mount Everest, led by Jason Clarke as real-life New Zealander Rob Hall. I understand why the film is purposefully designed to be this slow, as it builds up enough backstory to make you care about the characters involved, hoping that you’ll be bothered by them if something were to happen. Perhaps the reason that this drudges on so tamely is because there are too many characters, each with their own stories to tell. This may be a very slight spoiler, so apologies in advance, but once they finally got to the top of the treacherous mountain, it did occur to me that surely there wasn’t much of the 120 minute run time left. And yet! I was wrong. I glanced at my watch and there was still somehow an hour to go. But what an hour of cinema it was. I was surprised by just how invested I became in these people given the fact that I was certain that up to that point, I’d been bored. I’d have liked to have seen a little more about what Rob Hall’s wife (Keira Knightley) was going through back home but otherwise it was a very emotional 60 minutes. It’s probably the first movie for years that has caused me to well up in the cinema whilst watching. Apparently a lot of the footage was actually taken at camp one on the real mountain too. The film looks amazing for it and between the visuals and the latter half of the story, it’s definitely a film worth seeing and makes up for a tepid opening half.


Week 4 – Monday 21 – Sunday 27 September 2015

Monday – Bride of Re-animator (1989); Tuesday – Dawn of the Dead (1978)Wednesday – Day of the Dead (1985), Going Clear: Scientology and the Prison of Belief (2015), Sicario (2015); Thursday – Day of the Triffids (1962), From Beyond (1986)Friday – Invaders From Mars (1986), Return to Oz (1985); Saturday – [absolutely nothing]; Sunday – THE MARTIAN (2015)

maxresdefault-3I’m going to spare your eyes from going even more square whilst staring at your computer screen for any longer and suggest you click the link below and instead listen to my review of Ridley Scott’s latest sci-fi movie:

FAILED CRITICS PODCAST: THE INTERN, THE MARTIAN & SICARIO (29 Sep 2015)

Alternatively, read on below if you’d rather.

There appear to be two types of ‘Ridley Scott’ in this world. There’s the Ridley Scott who makes ambitious, misunderstood or sometimes simply just plain bad movies such as American Gangster, Exodus: Gods & Kings, Robin Hood, Kingdom of Heaven (the theatrical cut at least) and The Counsellor, to name but a few. Then there also appears to be a Ridley Scott who makes exciting, intelligent and often influential science fiction movies with an enticing premise and wondrous, imagination-capturing special effects and plots. Think Blade Runner, Alien and (yes, even) Prometheus. Where that leaves The Martian is definitely more towards that of a studio-led film than a recognisably Ridley Scott movie. There’s very little character in the picture; you certainly wouldn’t guess from looking that it was Ridley Scott rather than, say, Steven Speilberg, Robert Zemeckis, Ron Howard etc. Not that this is necessarily a problem. The lack of identity in respect to its director is moot considering just how enjoyable The Martian is. Adapted from the Andy Weir novel of the same name, the plot revolves around wise-cracking astronaut and botanist Mark Watney (Matt Damon) who is stranded on the planet Mars where his crew have abandoned him, assuming him dead. Although there’s a large support cast of talented actors (Jessica Chastain, Jeff Daniels, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Benny Wong(!) etc) the majority of the run time is carried by Damon, whose antics and humour make his time on the red planet seem all too brief. Even though the final third descends into Gravity with pop tunes sound tracking it, the biggest compliment I can think to pay The Martian is that I wish it were a biopic simply so I could spend more time learning about this fascinating and epic adventure.


Week 5 – Monday 28 – Wednesday 30 September 2015

Monday – Vamp (1986); Tuesday – Wolf Cop (2014); Wednesday – SKIN TRADE (2015)

skintradeheaderAh, Netflix. From time to time, you throw up some real gems that I would otherwise have overlooked. Usually they’re films starring Scott Adkins or Donnie Yen. On this occasion, Skin Trade lured me in by plastering martial arts movie icon Tony Jaa’s name all over it. If that wasn’t tempting enough, they only went and got Dolph Lundgren involved too. What the double team that is, eh? But wait! Ron Pearlman, as well? Well, blow me down with a feather (or flaming flying kick – Onk Bak, anyone?). The truth is, Skin Trade is complete and utter tosh. Quelle surprise, right? Maybe that’s a bit unfair as for at least 10 minutes, it’s OK. It’s alright. It’s not horrendous. Dolph plays a NYC cop who teams up with a Thai detective (Tony Jaa) to stop the Serbian crime boss (Ron Pearlman) and his human trafficking gig. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that; I’d even stretch that a bit further and say Jaa’s first action scene in a small room was impressively well choreographed and set the bar too high too early. You can see he’s clearly still got it in him to pull out some fantastic moves on screen. Unfortunately, it just gets progressively worse from then on. Its great cast are left to scrape together something resembling a cohesive plot but without fully capitalising on the potential of its concept. I will keep my fingers crossed in the hope that Tony Jaa gets another crack at the lead role in an American movie, Skin Trade somewhat remarkably being his first. He definitely proved he’s capable enough during his cameo role in Furious 7.


And that’s it for another month. Join me again roughly this time in November for part two of my “horrorble month” lists, where once again I aim to watch at least one horror film every day through October. Until then, feel free to comment below on any of my reviews – or send me a tweet!

San Andreas

Podcast host Steve Norman has been to see the latest disaster film starring the Rock and picks the faults with San Andreas.

by Steve Norman (@StevePN86)

san andreasDisaster films often disappoint. While the likes of Twister, Volcano, 2012 and The Day After Tomorrow portray the worst kinds of weather and natural disasters they make the viewer experience the same kind of peril that standing in a puddle would.

In fact the only ‘disaster movie’ of any note is Impossible, the movie starring Ewan McGregor and based on the real story of a family caught up in the 2006 Boxing Day Tsunami in Asia but of course this is very different to the Hollywood bombastic blockbusters.

Across the board these movies fail with boring plots, over the top CGI and dull performances from the cast.

San Andreas matches those movies almost step for step. You have a protagonist from a broken family, a child in trouble, a dickhead who gets his comeuppance and some (probably, I’m no seismologist) awful, awful science, although not as awful as 2012’s mutating neutrinos.

In fact the only thing that pulls this film into watchable-yet-forgettable territory, instead of the disappointing-and-forgettable area, is Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson (I’m not sure which he wants to go by so I hedged my bets). He has the charisma that Dennis Quaid lacked in TDAT and is far more believable in the role of leading action hero than John Cusack in 2012. The Rock is exactly the kind of person you want at the helm here. He is toned down from the almost cartoonish character he plays in the Fast and Furious franchise but still an all-out action hero.

Other than the Rock, there aren’t many positives. However, the special effects and set pieces are spectacular and exciting. The negatives are in abundance though. Despite the mass destruction, you never feel that the central cast are in any real danger and the story meanders at a very predictable pace.

You also have Paul Giamatti playing the scientist guy. He seems a bit out of place; comes across as if he’s phoning in his performance. Giamatti just doesn’t seem to commit to the role. He and his band of science people have come up with a way of predicting earthquakes and are annoyed when people don’t listen to them despite them having come up with their new hypothesis one day before the proverbial hits the fan and they probably haven’t even put the results in to report form yet.

We have two English brothers who have the most annoying, over the top – and in the case of the Australian playing the older brother – fake accents. In fact, other than the Rock trying to find his daughter, and his daughter trying to be found, all other characters are pretty irrelevant to the plot.

Oh, and there’s a fleeting appearance from Kylie Minouge.

And the ending. Oh my god. Such American patriotic bilge. This may not have been appropriate.

San Andreas is decent in the switch your brain off and watch some over the top action kind of way but it is ultimately instantly forgettable and they only time you’re likely to watch it again is when it becomes one of those films that ITV 2 repeat three times a week and you have spent the last hour indecisively flicking through Netflix.

And you will be able to hear Steve talk about San Andreas on the next episode of the Failed Critics Podcast.

Into The Storm

Into The Storm is a whole bunch of unbelievably dull sound and fury signifying nothing.

by Callum Petch (Twitter: @CallumPetch)

into the storm 2Found footage requires suspension of disbelief.  It requires enormous suspension of disbelief.  It requires you to believe that cameras are nearly indestructible and have infinite battery lives, that the people holding them are both too stupid to stop filming and just run, have had no prior experiences with holding a camera before because nobody shakes a camera that damn much and are profoundly selfish people for continuing to record proceedings instead of helping other out, and that there is someone out there who felt the need to edit the traumatic experiences that a bunch of people went through and release the resulting borderline snuff-film to the general public.  Like I said, this requires an enormous suspension of disbelief and it’s why the best ones either keep the gimmick as minimalist as possible (see: The Blair Witch Project) or provide enough of an emotional connection to the characters and world being filmed that the bells and whistles don’t distract as much as they should (see: Earth To Echo).  Would some of these films be far better if they didn’t stick to their conceit?  Mostly, yeah, that’s why District 9 and End Of Watch eventually do just drop the found-footage angle.  It’s why Chronicle managed to engineer an in-story way to have its lead character be able to keep the camera steady and provide different angles and the like when filming.

I bring this up because Into The Storm has been hiding a key component of its DNA from its marketing, presumably because 2014 hasn’t been good for found-footage financially (Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones, Devil’s Due, the aforementioned Earth To Echo unfortunately), and that is the fact that this is a found-footage disaster movie.  And not a simple one, either, where it’s just one guy with a camera.  This is a film with about 200 different cameras, most of them recording different things, several of them destroyed at some point, many by characters who never even cross paths, multiple times do camera-operators in the film stand around filming the leads trying to save somebody instead of helping, and yet it can’t even keep up its conceit the whole way through.  We are supposed to be watching a film, one made in-universe by somebody at some point, yet we keep getting shots and footage that make no sense in the found-footage conceit.  Lots of CG shots of destruction from far away, several from inside some of the tornadoes, some that manage to be totally still even whilst stuck in the path of a tornado.  It’s not like End Of Watch or District 9 or Chronicle where it’s obvious what’s found-footage and what isn’t or that you’re just viewing events through cameras in-universe instead of a constructed film, this is supposed to be a constructed film but it cheats frequently without being clear as to when it is doing so.

So, in the end, I spent a lot of the time sat there wondering how these shots were being constructed.  How is this fitting in the film’s universe?  All the found-footage ends up doing is being a major distraction, something that kept pulling me out of the movie constantly.  “But, Callum,” regular readers may be going, “Didn’t Earth To Echo have a similar kind of where-is-the-footage-coming-from-issue?  You gave that a pass, remember?”  That I did, because the found-footage conceit never got in the way of the tale, of the emotional centre, of the strong characters.  By contrast, Into The Storm has nothing.  Oh, sure, it has characters in the barest sense, in that they have names and characteristics and arcs, but they are all paper-thin and the film doesn’t really seem to care about their existence.  There’s our supposed lead, a high school vice principal (Richard Armitage) with two sons, one of whom is socially awkward (Max Deacon) and has a crush on a popular girl (Alycia Debnam-Carey), the other of whom is a bit of a douche (Nathan Kress) and both of whom resent him because he alternately forgets they exist or is all up in their respective grills.  There’s a team of storm chasers headed by a leader who is a dick who only cares about the footage until he doesn’t (Matt Walsh, for some reason), a storm expert who has been away from her daughter for too long (Sarah Wayne Callies), and two friends (Arlen Escarpeta and Jeremy Sumpter) one of which isn’t cut out for this line of work.  And there are also two redneck hillbilly stereotypes (Kyle Davis and Jon Reep) who want to be YouTube stars and are here for exactly the reasons you’re thinking of.

That is the extent of the film’s interest in its characters.  Everybody goes through all of their arcs, all of which you’ve seen done a million times before (the race against time to rescue the vice principal’s eldest son and the son’s crush will only seem fresh if you simply have managed to block The Day After Tomorrow from your memory for the last decade) and all performed by characters spouting exposition and their current thoughts and feelings at one another in an extremely clunky fashion, but there’s no interest in them.  It’s like the film resents having to spend time with these people.  I mean, I don’t blame them, especially since none of the actors even attempt to elevate this stuff.  Richard Armitage shouts gruffly, Sarah Wayne Callies looks and talks concerned, Matt Walsh acts like a dick until he doesn’t, Kyle Davis and Jon Reep play up their redneck hillbilly stereotypes to the point of insufferability, Nathan Kress acts like a douche.  They don’t even attempt to ham the thing up to enjoyable B-movie levels in order to make up for the lack of characters; everyone’s trying too hard, trying to be all serious serious.  Speaking of, sometimes the film briefly pretends like it wants to be a stark warning about climate change and you get one guess as to how well it pulls it off.

Instead, the film just wants to destroy stuff.  Which would be fine, I guess (forgive me for wanting a bit more out of my disaster movies), if the effects were good and if the whole enterprise weren’t so mind-numbingly boring.  The tornadoes look like a CGI cutscene in a PlayStation 3 game circa 2007, green-screening is prominent and very obvious, certain effects are of a much lower resolution and quality than the rest, that bit in the trailer with the planes and the airport is still laughably dreadful looking, and the inevitable moment where we go into the big monster tornado (which itself looks like Parallax from Warner Bros’ Green Lantern movie) looks as good as the bit in The Matrix Revolutions where Neo and Trinity try to burst through the real world’s sky.  It’s all so, so, so cheap, just barely above a Syfy Original Movie (don’t even get me started on how poor fire looks), which wouldn’t be such a problem if it had stuff going on that didn’t involve destroying stuff.  If the only thing you want to do is smash stuff real purdy-like, you need to come correct with excellent effects and, unfortunately for Into The Storm, every other Summer blockbuster so far this year soundly trashes it when it comes to destruction porn.

There is one part of the film’s marketing that was completely accurate, mind.  The ads made no secret of the fact that this was going to be a loud film.  And it is.  It is very loud, it is ridiculously loud; if I were in the screen next door, I guarantee that I would have heard it shake like an earthquake was about to go off.  Once a tornado hits, every speaker is filled with ear-rupturing booms, the score is drowned out by the chaos on screen, and the “LOUD NOISES” setting is held at a sustained peak for far longer than is tolerable.  The combination of the sheer volume of the film and the handheld nature of most of its shots worked to leave me exiting the cinema once the credits rolled with a splitting headache, a sensation that hasn’t happened to me since A Good Day To Die Hard last year.  One could claim that that meant the film had succeeded in its aim, that I had been taken into the proverbial storm, as it were, and that I should applaud the filmmakers in their achievements.  Bollocks to that, I would reply.  I was instead subjected to the 90 minute equivalent of being trapped on a non-stop tilt-a-whirl at the loudest and most obnoxious speed metal concert around, and that’s not particularly an experience I want out of my movies.

Plus, Into The Storm is just so unrelentingly boring.  There are no stakes because none of the characters have any depth or the attention of the film, there are no thrills because the effects stink, there’s no tension because the film goes so loud for so long that it numbs all of the senses, there’s no fun because the only comedy comes from outdated redneck hillbilly stereotypes who exist for exactly the reason you’re thinking of…  It’s just noise.  Seemingly endless noise.  It’s just sound and fury signifying nothing.  Folks, at time of writing, I am just about 24 hours removed from seeing this film and I remember nothing.  I mean, I remember the ways in which it doesn’t work, but I remember no specifics.  I don’t remember any character’s names, I don’t remember anything that was said, I don’t remember any particular scene, I don’t remember which two of the supposedly important cast actually dies, nothing.  Hell, by the time I’d made the hour’s drive back home after seeing it, I had basically forgotten about the whole thing by then.  The only things that proved that I had actually been to see Into The Storm were a lowered fuel gage on my car’s dashboard and a headache that had partially subsided on the drive back.

This one sucks, folks.  It sucks real bad.  Don’t give it the time of day.

Callum Petch missed his chance to find out that.  Follow him on the Twitters (@CallumPetch)!