Tag Archives: Emma Thompson

A Walk in the Woods

a walk in the woods“I spent half my life chasing pussy and drinking. And I wasted the other half.”

On paper, a film about two pensioners going on a hike is, without a shadow of a doubt, a film that would never hit my radar. Not that I would actively avoid watching a movie like A Walk in the Woods, but I would much prefer to only use the edge of my cinema seat for a good thriller or come out with my ears bleeding from that insane volume and a ton of explosions. That being said, with not an awful lot to do on a Friday after work and a screening at my local with just enough time to grab a Starbucks beforehand, this evening I watched a film about two guys chatting and walking.

Robert Redford is Bill Bryson, an author whose time has been spent writing books on his travels around the world, but for the last few years, he’s been spending, or wasting, his time at home watching his books gather dust and feeling old. After an annoying, abrasive TV interview and yet another funeral, Bryson goes for a walk and finds himself inspired to walk the 1,100 mile Appalachian trail that stretches between Georgia and Maine. After his wife Catherine (Emma Thompson) reads up on the risks of the walk and the things that can go wrong, she insists he finds a partner to do the walk with; a real issue for a man whose friends are all the same pension drawing age that he is, or dead, and don’t want to die in the forest! Enter Nick Nolte’s Stephen Katz, a friend from Bill’s past who volunteers to walk the trail with the author.

Katz is one of those friends everyone’s dad has; he’s got seedy stories about your old man’s past and a few tales that no-one wants to hear. And we all had that friend didn’t we? For me, it’s the guy whose name causes my wife’s eyes to roll because she knows I won’t come home in one piece! Stephen Katz is the perfect bodiless of all those friends and now he’s following Bill Bryson around in the woods. The pair make their way to the start of the walk in Georgia and after a night in a nice hotel, they head off uphill and begin the adventure that will see them spending a few months together in the woods. The old friends go up against Mother Nature as they try their hardest to walk the thousand mile trail through wind, rain and snow; coming up against bears and weirdos as the bonding experience takes them to their limits.

There’s not much to say about A Walk in the Woods if I’m honest. It’s a comedy adventure films that is perfectly suited to a good Sunday matinee. There’s little drama, a slight hint of peril and a whole lot of walking. I mean, if it wasn’t for Nick Nolte’s constant swearing, it’d be a family film about two mates going for a walk. Like Homeward Bound, but with real people. The pair have great chemistry and there’s a real sense that they like each other throughout the whole film, these two guys that have grown apart and gone on to lead completely different lives have come back together after so many years and can still spend that much time in each other’s company without killing themselves. Even when the inevitable arguments happen, it’s over in a flash and they are back to laughing and joking.

And man! The laughing! Robert Redford is great as the sensible and determined Bill Bryson, but Nick Nolte is absolutely the star of the show. Every single thing that comes out of his mouth is pure gold; from the smut to the insults, his character is a comedy genius and I genuinely laughed myself stupid throughout the whole thing. Every story Stephen Katz has, and every time he shuts down Bryson’s know-it-all attitude is a beautiful moment and you can’t not love Nolte for the performance he puts on. Once you add the brilliantly funny cameos from people like Nick Offerman and Kristin Schaal, the film really shines as a comedy and I happily sat and giggled my way through the whole thing.

A Walk in the Woods is a buddy cop comedy, but the cops are retired and bored and looking for something to do. It’s got no explosions, no guns, no kidnappings, no murders and no nudity; but what it does have is charm, wit and a brisk feeling 100 minute run time. It’s a breath of fresh air with all the loud explody films we get to experience. You can chill out for a couple of hours, watch old men make awkward sex jokes and come out good and relaxed. And while I know I haven’t helped my image of being an old man in a thirty-something year old’s body at all, the film did inspire me. No, I don’t want to walk the damn Appalachian trail, it’s not that life affirming a film, I just want to grow up to be Nick Nolte.

Men, Women & Children

People apparently still make films like Men, Women & Children.  This is disconcerting.

by Callum Petch (Twitter: @CallumPetch)

men women & childrenDear Jason Reitman,

Congratulations!  You have just directed and co-written one of the absolute worst and most reprehensible pieces of shit I have bared witness to in all of 2014!  I can imagine that you approached the task of directing and co-writing Men, Women & Children – based on a 2011 novel by Chad Kultgen – with some trepidation.  I mean, after all, how could you possibly bottom out harder than you did when you wrote and directed Labor Daya relentless schmaltzy bucket of unicorn piss where Stockholm Syndrome is supposedly the most romantic thing in the world?  Yet you did not let that high bar hit your determination, and you managed to surpass it in just pure, Stone Age, out-of-touch backwardness with flying colours!  Well done!  Gold star!

I mean, it’s 2014 and you made a film all about how technology is The Devil!  I thought that we had outgrown that kind of shit by 2003!  One of the characters in your film blames 9/11 for the rise of mobile phones and the Internet!  I mean, that takes real conscious effort!  That’s not the kind of sentence one tosses off without thinking about.  That takes real, honest effort; the kind where the person who writes it down sits back and reflects upon it and at no point goes, “No, wait, hang on a minute, that’s f*cking stupid and borderline offensive.”  And for a scene like that to perfectly encapsulate proceedings as a whole requires that kind of real, honest effort to sustain itself through two full hours.  So I applaud your commitment, Mr. Reitman!

I especially admire just how far you push your pretentious “Oh, look at me, I have something to say that nobody has ever thought of or expressed before!” sentiments by framing the film with frequent cutbacks to the NASA space probe Voyager, whilst an absolutely wasted and bored-as-hell Emma Thompson drones on in the background about everything and nothing at once.  Like, the message that we are all tiny insignificant specks fretting over nothing and wasting our lives away with technology instead of putting our minds together and attempting to improve humanity’s future by building technology?  Sheer genius!  I’m also certain that the fact that the rest of the film is so vehemently anti-technology and anti-Internet – because of how it is RUINING SOCIAL INTERACTIONS – didn’t pass you by and you, therefore, chose to be so blatantly hypocritical because that’s just how committed you were to making an utterly dreadful piece of crap!

Anyways, sorry, your main message from Men, Women & Children: the Internet and mobile phones and the kids today with their texting and their Instagramming and their vidjagames and their wotsits and howdiddos are ruining everybody’s relationships forever.  Very interesting.  Original, too!  Not ideas-wise, I mean, but in sheer bloody commitment and bald-faced moralising about it all.  I mean, even Transcendence wasn’t this committed to its moralising beliefs, and that was a film that believed that women should stay away from science because their emotions ruin everything!  You, Jason Reitman, could have used this topic for a genuinely balanced and interesting look at how technology has affected our lives and day-to-day relationships.  But, hey, why do that when we can coat proceedings in endless dour humourless “guys, I have just had this huge brainwave” serious tone, strip out any trace of another side to this argument, and just speechify and moralise for two straight hours?

After all, did you hear that people use the Internet and text messaging and the like to bully people and send death threats?  And that there are places and images on the Internet that promote anorexic levels of thinness, which can really hurt a young woman’s self-esteem?  And we can’t forget about those darn videogames that encourage long-form play!  Oh, and how about how the Internet allows teenagers to post revealing pictures of themselves online despite not being of age?  These are all things that happen – they’re not the only things that happen on the Internet, but why let that little fact get in the way of some scaremongering, eh? – and you rightly chose to present them as if you and your co-writer, Secretary’s Erin Cressida Wilson, were the very first people to have ever discovered them and your viewers are Amish farmers frozen in the 1950s who have just been thawed!  Really adds to the stupidly moralistic feel.

Oh, and porn!  Let’s not forget about porn!  Porn warps one’s mind and makes them incapable of experiencing real intimacy because their mind has been irreparably twisted by the uncouth fantasies and desires that porn does to a young man’s mind!  I must also applaud your distributor, Paramount, for choosing to release Men, Women & Children just 4 days after British government passed a number of laws banning certain acts in pornography, by the by.  Truly inspired timing!  I mean, what would have come off as a preachy Puritan parent beforehand now gets to come off as morally righteous propaganda that our idiot politicians would likely applaud and back as proof of their decision!

Besides, as we all know, pornography is The Absolute Devil and the Internet doubles that devilry by making it easier than ever to get a hold of it.  Plus, now there’s no fun in it!  After all, back in your day, Mr. Reitman, finding pornography was a rite of passage!  One passed down from generation to generation as young sons would stumble upon their father’s magazine collection and continue the cycle.  Excellent work putting that sentiment into your script and having an unreally bored Emma Thompson read it with no trace of sarcasm or irony to really seal that Crotchety Old Man stance, by the by.  This whole thread is like you watched Don Jon and set out to make a film that does the exact opposite of that film’s nuanced take on Porn Addiction; I admire that commitment.

Anyways: relationships!  What is up with those, amiright?  Mr. Reitman, I must say that I find your approach to the various aspects of relationships depicted in this film to be wonderfully misguided.  I mean, it takes brass balls to make a two hour feature whose primary message reads “These relationships would be considerably less f*cked if the Internet weren’t around to facilitate these darkest desires!”  After all, Judy Greer’s pushy exploitative stage mom would never have pushed her daughter, Olivia Crocicchia, into being such a selfish shitty human being if the Internet didn’t literally allow her to exploit her daughter, and Olivia wouldn’t have become such a shitty human being if she didn’t measure her life by her follower count – because teenagers had never worried about popularity until these convenient number totals came along!

Meanwhile, Adam Sandler and Rosemarie DeWitt – married parents who no longer feel any desire for one another – would never have started having affairs on one another if it weren’t for the Internet!  After all, the Internet makes it too darn easy; there are literally websites set up for the sole purpose of meeting people to have affairs with!  And their teenage son would have been such a happy and normal boy if it weren’t for that blasted porn warping his brain.  Elena Kampouris, elsewhere, wouldn’t be having body image issues if that damn Internet wasn’t there pressuring her with constant reinforcement!  And look at what the Internet has done to Jennifer Garner!  It’s made her so paranoid about her daughter that she relentlessly stalks her entire Internet and mobile phone presence because THAT GODDAMN INTERNET RUINING EVERYTHING!

An actually good film would have looked at how the Internet affects such situations whilst still acknowledging that these are things that would happen anyway.  But, Mr. Reitman, you realised that such a road would be dreadfully boring and that increasing bewilderment over the realisation that Men, Women & Children sincerely believes that these would not be problems if it weren’t for THAT MOTHERFRAKKIN’ INTERNET is a much better choice!  I was kinda hoping you’d go the whole hog and claim that Major League Baseball was controlling the world via satellites, but I guess you wanted to reign back and settle on “crazy homeless man with tinfoil hats” as your default setting.  Understandable.

I particularly enjoyed the scene, Mr. Reitman, in which you had Dean Norris discover the Guild Wars that Ansel Elgort is into.  The way that he reacts to a keyboard input equalling a character movement in the game like a caveman does fire or a cat does its shadow?  Would have been utterly inadvertently hysterical if you hadn’t played it – much like you play everything else in this film – with this dreary, humourless tone that accurately reflects the guy at a party who thinks he’s all smart to politics and life and stuff but then he opens his mouth and you realise he’s just a f*cking idiot.  After all, we wouldn’t want this film to risk crossing over into “So Bad, It’s Good” territory, do we?  That would defeat the purpose of this whole entire exercise!

And the cast that you assembled for this thing!  Ansel Elgort – turning in a performance that is less “depressed teen” and more “sleepwalking actor” – Dean Norris – who looks incredibly hopelessly lost with his material – Jennifer Garner – turning in a performance that somehow makes her obnoxiously awful character (who the film ultimately ends up proving right a lot due to pretty much nobody being allowed to end this film happy; nice touch) even more unbearable – the disembodied voice of Emma Thompson – whose every word practically screams “can I take my paycheque now?” – Dennis Haysbert and J. K. Simmons – who both get absolutely nothing to do – the wonderful Judy Greer – committed but saddled with atrocious material – Adam Sandler’s once-every-half-decade dramatic role – wasted by getting nothing to do – and a cameo by Phil LaMarr.  It is like you were going out of your way to waste actors and actresses I like!  Bravo!

You know something, Jason Reitman?  I got you all wrong.  I thought I had pegged you for one of the new great filmmakers.  Thank You For Smoking, Juno, Up In The Air, Young Adult…  That’s a resume that seemingly indicates a filmmaker of great skill, a storyteller who knows exactly how to pitch each scene without it coming across as either a thuddingly obnoxious morality lecture or having a thoroughly misguided moral compass.  But 2014 has seemingly proven me wrong.  Apparently you just want to make disgustingly reprehensible movies with no self-awareness of how incredibly shitty or out-of-touch the finished products come off as.

Well I salute your vision, Mr. Jason Reitman!  That was a really nice touch, too, pretending to build up an actual career before torching it near-totally in the space of 12 months in order to make me feel betrayed that a director such as yourself would voluntarily flush that talent, spark and drive down the toilet.  You absolutely don’t need to take a few years off, reflect long and hard on your last two films, realise exactly where and why everything went wrong, re-hone your skills and come back revitalised and ready to make great movies again!  I mean, why should you?  Men, Women & Children is your magnum opus: a putrid, regressive, out-of-touch, overly preachy, one-sided, humourless slog of a movie.  The kind that can only come about through sheer determination to make a film that offended and bewildered me as much as is humanly possible.

Keep up the utterly dreadful work, mate!

Yours,

Callum Petch

Callum Petch feels love.  Follow him on the Twitters (@CallumPetch) and listen to Screen 1 on Hullfire Radio every Monday at 9PM BST (site link)!

Failed Critics Podcast: The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Amazing Transcendence, The Amazing Love Punch

THE-AMAZING-SPIDER-MAN-2Welcome to this week’s podcast; the first one since James took temporary leave (of his senses in trusting the pod to this lot).

Callum Petch makes his return to the pod, and along with Steve and Owen reviews the latest blockbuster effort featuring the masked web-slinger, as well as Johnny Depp sans Tim Burton and white-face make-up in Wally Pfister’s directorial debut Transcendence.

Join us next week as we drag a stranger off the street to keep Owen and Steve company whole they try and find a new release to review that isn’t The Other Woman.

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The Love Punch

The Love PunchIt may be definition of lightweight, but that turns out to be The Love Punch’s biggest strength, second only to the natural charisma and chemistry of leads Emma Thompson and Pierce Brosnan.

by Callum Petch (Twitter: @CallumPetch)

If you’ve been following along with the website this past week, you may have noticed that I went to the cinema a lot.  A total of six times, in fact, with five of those being turned into reviews (the fifth is the one you’re reading right now, in case you’re wondering, keep up).  You may have also noticed that a whole bunch of them sucked uncontrollably.  Divergent, unfathomably stupid and a seemingly endless slog.  The Amazing Spider-Man 2, permanent potential pulveriser that learnt absolutely nothing from its last attempt two years ago.  Khumba, earnest and full of heart but amateurishly made and majorly derivative.  Transcendence, “computers are scarwey and women should stay in the kitchen instead of science-ing because their emotions can’t make the tough decisions”.

In short, it’s been a bad week for movies.

I fully expected to continue regretting my voluntary decision to see and review all the recently released non-horror movies that I could in the last week as I sat down to watch The Love Punch.  I’d seen one truly good film all week up to that point (Richard Ayoade’s absolutely phenomenal The Double) and I wasn’t expecting a film whose trailer’s centrepiece gag was having its middle-aged cast all rush off to the toilets for a wee in quick succession to one another to suddenly turn around my fortunes.  But do you know what?  Perhaps it’s due to having been beaten down by incessantly bad films for the better part of a week, perhaps my standards have been sufficiently lowered as a result, perhaps they caused a desire in me to give a positive review to something, frickin’ anything, at this point, but I really enjoyed The Love Punch.

OK, before we move on, I should probably clarify that it’s not actually down to any of those things.  I may be human, but I can still tell a bad movie from a good one even when I’ve spent an extended period of time wading through the crap.  So, if The Love Punch did stink to high heaven, I’d still be capable enough to tell you that it did.  But it doesn’t, it’s actually really good.  Not spell-bindingly amazing, not “Best of the Year” and most certainly not flawless but far better than its title of “The Second-Best Film I’ve Seen This Past Week” would make it sound, considering the competition.

Our story revolves around Mr. and Mrs. Jones, both divorced and staring down old age like it’s the barrel of a gun.  Richard (Pierce Brosnan) is days away from retirement, has just broken up with yet another in an apparently lengthy line of young wives and is nursing feelings of loneliness and boredom.  Kate (Emma Thompson) is saying goodbye to her youngest daughter as she leaves for college, is facing life alone for the first time and has resorted to Internet dating to try and find love.  They’re brought back together when Richard’s company is liquidated of its assets by its new owner, taking with it everybody’s pensions but, most importantly, Richard and Kate’s which they’d stored away in order to pay off university fees, mortgages and basically everything that needs money these days.

In response, they both hop on over to France to confront the man personally responsible for the mess (Laurent Lafitte).  When he gloats about how he doesn’t have to give them jack as what he did was apparently totally legal, and he does so whilst all but twirling his non-existent moustache, the pair decide to get back at him another way: by stealing a diamond necklace from him valued at $10 million, recruiting their mutual married friends (Timothy Spall and Celia Imrie) to help out.  Does such a set-up lead to a lot of comical misunderstandings, testing of the married couple’s relationship, the possible romantic reconciliation of our two leads with one another and a whole bunch of things you have likely seen and promptly forgotten about before?  Why of course it does!

So, it’s silly and light.  There’s little depth here.  It’s not really got anything to say, it’s not pushing any boundaries and nobody in the story is ever in any real danger (not even during an Italian Job homage near the end).  Honestly, though, that’s actually one of the film’s biggest strengths.  There’s not a bad bone in its body, it’s all very pleasant and nice but it doesn’t feel patronisingly so or cynically calculated.  It feels genuine so it comes off more like a nice warm prolonged hug than an endless talking down to or insulting of my intelligence.  That’s a harder line to walk than one might think but The Love Punch pulls it off and that atmosphere is what helps propel the film through its very brisk 90 minute run time.

The other thing that helps make The Love Punch a very recommendable experience?  Emma Thompson and Pierce Brosnan and the chemistry they have.  OK, maybe that’s three things, but they are all great here.  Thompson and Brosnan are, in fairness, very charming and likable actors who could coast their way through roles without even trying and probably get away with it (let’s face it, Brosnan did for four straight Bond films) but they’re on fine form here.  Both understand that this isn’t the next Schindler’s List but that such a fact doesn’t give them carte blanche to sleepwalk through the movie.  They strike up a great chemistry together, rattling off witty dialogue and fast-paced bickering so naturally it almost seems second nature to them, and that chemistry helps sell the romance at the centre so that I actually felt super warm inside at the finale.  They’re clearly having a lot of fun, too, which again helps with the enjoyably breezy and light nature of the film.

Joke-wise, this is supposed to be a comedy after all, much like the rest of the film, no ground is being broken and you probably won’t remember any of them or be quoting anything from it in several months’ time.  They are often funny though and this is because, and this is why The Love Punch often gets away with things that the similarly “let’s watch some aging and otherwise classy actors go have a fun holiday somewhere and be all silly”-themed Last Vegas doesn’t, the jokes are based on the film being aware of how silly it is and are based on the characters, not the actors.  Most of the time.  For example, there’s a section where our four actors put on some scuba gear and ridiculously go paddling out into the sea in order to break into their mark’s cliff-side mansion.  Despite how that may read, the film doesn’t play it as “Look!  It’s James Bond and Emma Thompson in scuba-diving gear!  That’s inherently funny!  Laugh!”  Instead, it goes for “Look!  Kate and Richard’s plan involves them having to get into scuba gear that makes them look rather stupid!  Isn’t this whole thing rather silly and unbelievable?”  And it is, so I laughed.

An earlier example involves Kate having to go undercover by pathetically passing herself off as a relative of the bad guy’s bride-to-be at her beach-based hen party; cue a montage of Kate partaking in volleyball, jet-skis and parasailing whilst attached to a speedboat.  Once again, the film doesn’t treat the joke as “Look!  It’s Emma Thompson in a 50s-style bathing suit partaking in young people’s activities!  You wouldn’t have expected her to do that, would you?  LAUGH!!”  Instead playing it as “Look at what Kate’s gotten herself into, now!” and that’s a key distinction because these don’t just feel like an endless series of one-note “Look how we managed to get [x] actor to debase themselves for your entertainment now!” scenarios, they instead feel grounded in actual characters, like there’s a reason for their existence.

I did specify “most of the time” for a reason though and that’s because, yes, sometimes the film does cross the line and ask us to laugh because “it’s [y] actor doing a wacky thing that you wouldn’t have expected because THEY’RE GETTING OLD!” and you can tell when it’s crossed that line because it will bust out the super slo-mo camera and back the scene with hip-hop for ‘ironic’ effect.  These only stick out because they’re so lazy and they betray the effort that’s gone into crafting the better jokes.  Like the way that Kate and Richard will both enter into a very quick diatrabe argument whenever one forgets to use the term “ex” when explaining their relationship to people before snapping back like nothing had ever happened, or their brief interactions with their university-based hacker son and his criminally unlucky roommate, or the utterly paper-thin nature of their heist plan, or what happens when the bride-to-be starts having a public crisis of conscience, or when Jerry, the husband friend, buys a gun.  They’re often easy, but there’s effort put into that easiness, a choice to try and make funny jokes that don’t offend anyone or have much teeth but are still funny, which is something that lesser comedies can’t seem to pull off.

So, yeah, it’s lightweight but when has that necessarily been an automatically bad thing?  Something nice and light can be appealing comfort food, a nice time at the cinema to escape from life’s troubles for a while, that’s trying very hard to not try hard in a way that isn’t immensely loathsome.  The Love Punch, then, is the film equivalent of a slice of trifle and I very much love a nice slice of trifle every now and again.  It’s very British, smooth, lacking in edge but leaves you feeling all nice and warm and fuzzy for a very good while after digesting it.  Of course, trifle doesn’t have a very enjoyable to watch Pierce Brosnan and Emma Thompson, so I guess what I’m trying to say is that you should check out The Love Punch because it’s better than trifle.  Or something.

Callum Petch took her home to his place, watchin’ every move on her face.  Follow him on the Twitters (@CallumPetch)!

Failed Critics Podcast: Catching Fire, Saving Mr Banks, and watching Walter Mitty

Catching FireWelcome to our 90th (NINETIETH!) podcast, and this one is rammed full of new release reviews, disagreements, and top, top film bantz*

*contains no actual bantz

James was the lone surviving pod critic from the first Hunger Games film, and this week returns to the arena to tackle The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, as well as reviewing Saving Mr Banks, a new Disney film about the making of Mary Poppins. We’ve also go a review the new Ben Stiller film, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, and we discuss the twists, turns, and timey-wimeyness of the 50th anniversary Doctor Who special, The Day of the Doctor.

Join us next week for reviews of Carrie and Blue is the Warmest Colour.

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Yes, I like Love Actually. Do you want to take this outside?

A couple of months back my twitter timeline exploded with people dismayed to find themselves watching Love Actually. From what I could tell, they weren’t being held against their will. They couldn’t bear to switch it off, but needed to justify their actions with derision.

For a start, they’re doing it wrong. Everyone knows the official date to watch Love Actually is 20th November – exactly five weeks before Christmas, and the day on which the film commences. While watching a movie that’s so laughably bad you have to provide a running commentary of its failures is fun, if you honestly hate the fact that you’re doing so, I’m willing to bet there are a couple of other films out there you haven’t seen yet, and could watch instead. Besides, where’s your festive spirit?!

Richard Curtis continues his expedition into the world of romantic comedy in this all star Christmas extravaganza. Before the opening song titles (a nod to Four Weddings and a Funeral, his first foray into the genre) are over we’ve met Bill Nighy the aging rockstar; Liam Neeson the widow; Emma Thompson the harassed mum, and Keira Knightley the sickeningly beautiful bride. This is exactly how the world looks inside Curtis’s head: a bunch of attractive middle class people who say ‘fuck’ a lot, and Hugh Grant as Prime Minister

The plot is full of holes. I won’t list them all; watch it and pick your favourite. Mine is the fact that they schedule a concert, starring children from a number of different primary schools (even St Basil’s) on Christmas Eve. That would never happen! Which leads directly onto the whole airport debacle. But I’m not going to mention that, as I generally disregard the entire kid storyline on the grounds that it’s a bit shit. Nonetheless, it’s worth it. It’s worth it for Colin Firth‘s swagger when he walks out of the room post jumping in the lake segment. For the thought of Colin Firth learning Spanish for you. For his adorably slow typing. Colin Firth, Colin Firth, Colin Firth.

I love the Wisconsin storyline. And that was surprising starring, as it does, the dude from My Family, who I was predisposed to hate on sight. But it’s just the right kind of silly, the geeky guy from Basildon getting to have all the sex with Betty Draper, Kim Bauer, and other screen hotties. Plus actor Kris Marshall landed the BT love advert series off the back of his stint at the Richard Curtis school of romance acting. We may have grown tired of Adam & Jane at the time, but they were vastly superior to a bunch of filthy students posturing about their Infinity package we have now.

And beautiful Laura Linney. Bringing a slice of realism to proceedings, offsetting the Mr Bean nonsense entirely. In standard chick flicks, you either get your desired outcome or your comeuppance. You never see a good guy get a non happy ending. This is real life in action. Well, real life if your boss was a pervy Alan Rickman hell bent on getting you laid, if you lived in a gorgeous mews house in central London, and if you had the stoic dignity of Laura Linney. She is never once shown cry-sniffing until she chokes a bit on her own snot backwash, which I admit  is a teensy bit far fetched.

I could (and will, on request) write a whole other post on why the Ant & Dec cameo makes me proud, how I strive to parent like Emma Thompson, or why the end credit footage makes me want to move into Terminal 5.

Dear Love Actually. Ignore the haters. For now let me say, without hope or agenda. Just because it’s Christmas (And at Christmas you tell the truth). To me, you are perfect. And my wasted heart will love you until you look like this. [Insert picture of generic rom com flop, set in June and not starring Laura Linney]

Read the 12 Days of Christmas Films so far, or watch Love Actually when it’s next on TV. (Probably sometime in April.)