Tag Archives: hitman: agent 47

Failed Critics Podcast: Straight Outta FrightFest

la-ca-0727-straight-outta-compton-003You are now about to witness the strength of street knowledge as four white boys from the UK discuss N.W.A. biopic Straight Outta Compton on this week’s Failed Critics Podcast. Joining crazy mother-flipper Steve Norman and another crazy arsed bad mother-flipper Owen Hughes on our latest episode is Andrew Brooker, a dangerous mother-flipper raising hell, and controlling the automatic is Mike Shawcross.

We’re not entirely as gangster as you might expect, believe it or not, as we kick off the podcast with a quiz and a short tribute to Wes Craven. We manage to express ourselves in a more dignified manner befitting four dudes sat around in their pants on Skype, late on a Tuesday night, during reviews of video-game adaptation Hitman: Agent 47, Nic Cage thriller Joe, the pilot episode of Fear the Walking Dead and James Cullen Bressack’s indie-horror To Jennifer.

On top of all that, we have a round-up of the good, the bad and the ugly that came out of this year’s Film4 FrightFest. Get your notepad and pen ready as Mike reveals everything you should be adding to your watch list over the next 12 months – including These Final Hours, Turbo Kid, We Are Still Here, Bait and loads more! I’m not exaggerating. LOADS more.

Join us again the same time next week as Paul ‘Slice’ Field returns to mull over No Escape and The Transporter Refuelled.

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Hitman: Agent 47

After running through his five favourite and least-favourite video game adaptations recently, Andrew Brooker returns to let us know why Hitman: Agent 47 is not the film he expected.

by Andrew Brooker (@Brooker411)

hitman“Don’t put your faith in me.  You’ll be disappointed.”

In a weird way, I’m a little disappointed. I’m disappointed that Hitman: Agent 47 wasn’t the steaming pile of dog shit I went in expecting after reading a few reviews. I’m disappointed that I don’t get to lose my nut at how offensive the film is to the game it takes its inspiration from and the gamers it’s trying to court into cinemas to see it. But most of all, I’m disappointed that the latest attempt to bring Agent 47 to the big screen is so forgettable as a film that I simply can’t be bothered to gather up the energy to get annoyed at it.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not stupid. I know that a game series primarily about sneaking yourself into a place, killing some unknown dude and sneaking out again unseen would make for a fairly boring film. Clearly the paint-by-numbers guys at 20th Century Fox feel the same because while there are flashes of the game series’ great style, Hitman: Agent 47 is absolutely more about the smash, bang and wallop of car chases and explosions than it is about stealthily poisoning some poor, unsuspecting villain without anyone ever knowing you were there.  But almost to its credit, the film doesn’t go down the “everything has gone wrong, now the super-sneaky ninja dude has to go loud” route (see 2007’s Hitman and almost every killer-for-hire gets revenge movie). Instead just settling for trying to convince us that this is just how the game is played. It’s not.

The story, for want of a better word for the thing that keeps us going from one elaborate death scene to another, focuses on Katia (Boss’ Hannah Ware), the daughter of the geneticist who is singlehandedly responsible for the creation of the mythical “Agent” program; a bit of 1960’s jiggery-pokery that changed the DNA of unborn children and making them stronger, faster, tougher and smarter than average people.  It’s absolutely nothing to do with Dark Angel, the sci-fi TV show that came out the same year as the first Hitman that also featured barcoded super-soldier protagonists.

On the run for most of her life, Katia is now being hunted by not one, but two different organisations. Mr 47’s ICA – strangely not mentioned by name in the film, just by their iconic logo – and the imaginatively named Syndicate International. The latter have sent their own contractor, John Smith, to do their dirty work.  A man who is the result of their experiments to try and recreate the Agent program and has a few secrets (or not, if you’ve seen the bloody spoiler-filled trailer) of his own to help him along the way.

John Smith; in maybe the most bizarre casting choice this year with Star Trek‘s Zachary Quinto; doesn’t rescue Katia as much as he does capture her so he can locate her father.  Ripped from Syndicate International’s grasp by Rupert Friend’s Agent 47 (replacing the late Paul Walker early into the film’s production) and having her world turned upside down as he explains who she is, what her father’s work really involved and maybe most importantly, what he did to her when she was young. Experimenting with altering her DNA to make her survival instincts second to none, turning her into the hyper-sensitive paranoid mess that’s kept her alive and free all this time, he’s made her an Agent.

And so begins a cat and mouse chase across the world as the pair of assassins try to outrun Smith and his Syndicate henchmen. All while racing to get to Katia’s father before the massive organisation can torture the secrets of the Agent’s DNA out of him and create a super-soldier army of nigh-unbeatable hitmen.

Hitman: Agent 47‘s biggest problem comes in its attempt to imitate one of the greatest stealth games ever made.  A game that I have, on more than one occasion, wasted more than the length of the film in trying to get past one kill, or get around one group of guards that I don’t want to face head on.  It’s ironic that the parts of the movie that remind me the most of the games; an exceptionally hostile area that 47 and Katia must navigate without being noticed is a great example; are the parts that while enjoyable, are the most infuriating parts to watch as a fan of the franchise. The tension, the trial and error nature of an area like this is what makes the games so great.  But on the big screen, while the feel of the games is there and those of us that have successfully steered their way through scenarios like them will be smiling in recognition by the end of it, it’s just all too… easy.  Every costume change, every time the light shines off of 47’s garrotte, the film got a brief smile from me but it was quickly wiped from my face when the action was ramped up and suddenly I’m watching a game of Audi vs. motorbikes.

As an action film, Agent 47 is relatively competent. It could do with its pacing being tightened up a little but it certainly delivers in all the areas that you would expect it to. Action scenes are visceral and violent, with enough gruesome deaths to fill a Saw reboot and decent enough hand and gun action. Hitman certainly delivers the fun, loud parts of the wannabe franchise starter in spades and doesn’t shy away from putting a bit of blood on the screen.  A little twisty and turny, the story does an alright job of keeping these scenes together and in check and while obvious to most, the surprise twist of the end was still a decent nod to the effort some of us have put into just getting one clean kill in the film’s inspirational video game franchise.

Hitman: Agent 47 gets a sly recommendation from me, if you want to switch your brain off and watch a poor man’s Transporter for a couple of hours you could do worse. But if you’re going in with hopes of a faithful recreation of an iconic stealth death simulator, I’m afraid we’re now hanging our hopes on Michael Fassbender and next year’s Assassin’s Creed movie. Considering the amount of effort that went into turning the story into a Hitman film, that effort would have been far better spent writing an original story to tie to kills together, keeping it away from the judgemental eyes of gamers everywhere and perhaps starting a franchise of the strength of the film, and not its inspiration’s name.  Because this, my friends, is not Hitman.

The Five Best Video-Game Movies

In addition to telling us about the five worst video-game movies last week, Andrew Brooker is back again to take a look at the other side of the coin and reveal of the best.

by Andrew Brooker (@Brooker411)

Next Week! Hitman: Agent 47 arrives next week.  As I type this I’m watching the booking pages for my local cinemas refresh hoping for a decent show so I can get a nice early screening and get my fill of video game stupidness.  As the days go on I’m getting a little more excited for this movie and I’m hoping and praying that it isn’t complete wank.  I’m not looking for award winning cinema; I’m looking to disengage my brain for a couple of hours and just enjoy my time with Agent 47.

So, as my own rebuttal to last week’s Worst Video Game Movies; my super-duper scientific research continues in making the list I’m hoping 47’s latest entry makes it to.  Here’s my five favourite video game movies.


5] Silent Hill (2006)

Budget: $50 Million

Box Office: 97.6 million

Rotten Tomatoes: 29%

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JkK8udIqKPQ]

Now, I refuse to care about the Rotten Tomatoes score for this film; or any film for that matter.  The thing that gets Silent Hill onto my list is the atmosphere.  The original Silent Hill is one of the creepiest games ever made; using the restrictions of the old technology it was made on to it’s advantage and filling the entire game with a thick fog that hid just how slowly the game was being rendered in the background; but as far as creepy atmosphere is concerned the town of Silent Hill is best in show and the film does a fantastic job in replicating it.

Granted, the story takes a mental left turn away from the lore towards the end, something I have lambasted game and book adaptations for in the past, but with enough fan service and actual scares to keep your average fan happy, I can heartily recommend Silent Hill.


4] Mortal Kombat (1995)

Budget: $18 Million

Box Office: $122.1 Million

Rotten Tomatoes: 33%

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHIfHL5UgFs]

Come on! COME ON! It’s Mortal Kombat! The mother of all fighting games turned into one of the most fun video game movies ever made. How can I not put it on the list?  I am writing this on the 20th anniversary of the film’s original release for crying out loud, I can’t NOT talk about it.

Directed by Paul W.S. Anderson (the not-entirely-shit Uwe Boll), MK‘s legacy speaks completely for itself (spawning a bloody awful sequel that almost made my previous list) The story of Christopher Lambert’s lightning god Raiden, dragging the worlds best fighters into another realm to fight in a tournament to decide the fate of both worlds.  Silly fights and rubbish special effects fill the screen as the Alien Vs. Predator  director squeezed as many of the game’s dumbass story elements as humanly possible into a 100 minute definition of “junk food for the brain”.


3] Dead Rising: Watchtower (2015)

Budget: Unknown

Box Office: Unknown

Rotten Tomatoes: None

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWUdPYmPz5c]

Dead Rising: Watchtower is a bit of an anomaly.  No theatrical release at all; debuted on the United States’ free video service Crackle and went straight to Blu-Ray in the UK.  Released in March this year, the film adaptation of one of the silliest zombie game franchises is easily one of my favourite films this year.For those that haven’t played the games, each one follows a new protagonist as they fight through hoards of zombies in a world where the zombie infection is accepted and controlled with medication, but things have gone horribly wrong.  What makes the games something a little special is the stupidity involved in them.  The only way to survive in Dead Rising is to find two weapons and weld them together to make bigger weapons.  Until you’ve played it, you’ll never understand how I lost hours running around the map with a mate laughing my childish arse off firing masses of rubber cocks across the screen using my dildo launcher and poking my buddy with a giant foam finger gun!

The film sticks to this level of stupidity.  It’s gross, it’s violent, but it’s completely fucking stupid and it knows it.  Only really for fans, but it’s one of the best ways to waste two hours in recent memory.


2] Resident Evil (2002)

Budget: $35 Million

Box Office: $102.4 Million

Rotten Tomatoes: 33%

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5Rbk7ChmVk]

This is a strange one for me.  Considering how pissed I got at Doom for taking more than a few liberties with that iconic game’s story, to laud the first Resi film as my second favourite in this list when it’s pretty much universally hated by fans of the game for the same thing is pretty hypocritical of me.  Luckily for me, I don’t care. 

Resident Evil kicked off a franchise of some of the most fun action films to grace my blu-ray collection.  Substituting the horror of the early games for an action thriller feel with an amnesiac, combat ready, Milla Jovovich taking on an underground lab filled with zombies as her and a special forces team try to stop an outbreak and escape the subterranean complex and the mansion that’s hiding it.  Sure there’s a stinker in the six film long franchise; and the quality only really dropped with the most recent (but not quite final) instalment; but there’s no stopping this series and with Paul W. S. Anderson getting the last chapter made as you read this and promising a worthwhile end to (not an actual RE character) Alice’s saga, I have nothing but faith that we are in for a treat when it comes out next year.


1] Hitman (2007)

Budget: $24 Million

Box Office: $100 Million

Rotten Tomatoes: 13%

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJhNzHyq-IE]

Agent 47’s first trip to the big screen is, without a doubt, my top video game movie of all time; and one of my favourite junk food, sick day kind of movies.  Now, I made Owen watch this back on the 150th podcast just because I wanted him to give it a butcher’s and he really didn’t like it. I’m sorry to say, that Owen is wrong and we’re no longer on speaking terms!

One thing our esteemed leader did get right though, was describing it as a wannabe Luc Besson film and I’m absolutely alright with that description.  The always awesome Timothy Olyphant dons 47’s iconic suit and tie and brings all the ham-fisted action of Besson’s finest work.  Maybe without the finesse that the legendary filmmaker does, but no film based on a video game was ever going to get that level of director involved in it.

Hitman does an excellent job with what it has.  Another film on this list that sacrifices the game’s lore to make sure that we aren’t bored to death by the film’s pace. Agent 47’s story is far too long and complicated for a 100 minute movie, so we get the bare bones of the legend on screen and are left to either remember, guess, or simply not care about the parts that we aren’t told.  Whichever option you choose, I can absolutely recommend Hitman to any game fan, any action film fan, or anyone that just fancies seeing good old Mr. Olyphant in a suit and tie killing people in an ultra cool, ultra slick fashion.

If Hitman: Agent 47 is half as fun as this telling of the suited assassin’s story, I’ll be coming out of the cinema a happy man next week.


Honourable Mention – Edge of Tomorrow (2014)

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUmSVcttXnI]

While not in any way a video game movie; it is, in EVERY way, a video game movie. Even the most casual of gamers can see that the film’s tagline, and adopted subtitle, “Live. Die. Repeat” is absolutely endemic of the trial and error nature of video games and playing them. Who of us hasn’t spent hours endlessly playing the same sections of a game over and over again hoping to just get it right this time?

The film, which arguably belongs to Emily Blunt and not her stuntman co-star, took on even more of the video game world when it was released the same year as shooter powerhouse Call of Duty introduced exo-suits to its players; making us all look like the rows and rows of suited soldiers from the battlefields of Edge of Tomorrow.

A movie that is absolutely about video game checkpoint abuse, I can’t not mention Edge of Tomorrow in this little list of mine.

The Five Worst Video-Game Movies

Inspired by the imminent release of Hitman: Agent 47, Andrew Brooker takes a look at five of the most infamous movie adaptations of a variety of video games.

by Andrew Brooker (@Brooker411)

In a couple of weeks, 20th Century Fox will release Hitman: Agent 47 to a world pretty much fed up of video games being turned into awful films and force fed to us. Most that have read some of my stuff, or listened to me on one of the many times Mr. Hughes lost his mind and invited me onto the podcast, know that I love my video games. Behind movies it’s my second biggest hobby (and arguably the most expensive) and every time my two favourite ways to waste time crossover, it should be a reason to celebrate. Sadly, this isn’t usually the case. More often than not, the films we are handed as we are told “it’s brilliantly close to the games, fans will adore it” turn out to be badly written, badly directed dusty clouds of dry spunk. This is where we find ourselves today.

So in a very scientific process, namely me and a buddy bouncing ideas at each other in the office, here are my five worst films based on video games.


5] Doom (2005)

Budget: $60 million

Gross: $55.9 million

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 19%

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dMA8NmdyW4]

So yeah, Doom. The mother of all games. The game that defined forever how we’d play games more than 20 years ago, was shat out as a movie a decade ago starring Dwayne Johnson back when we were just calling him “The Rock” and Karl Urban before he was Dredd.

My biggest gripe with Doom isn’t that it was bad, and it was pretty bad, it was how it took the game’s slight hint at a story and flat out ignored it. According to the game’s instruction manual, you are a lone space marine fighting to survive as Hell’s demons invade Mars and slaughter everyone. This was replaced with a group of space marines fighting to survive as a Mars base’s occupants are infected with a Martian virus and mutated. I mean, neither story is good, but is there really any need to switch out one bland story for another? Where’s the loyalty to the branding for Christ’s sake?

Adding to the terrible decision to make this film, we were treated to a spectacularly rubbish “first person shooter” scene that has us watching the film down the barrel of a gun that, as a fan, is beyond patronising and absolutely ridiculous. No other type of film insists on making us watch them like that. Fancy watching soccer film from the point of view of a stadium visit? With some fat unwashed screamy twat in front of you? No.

Directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak, the man that also brought us:


4] Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009)

Budget: $50 Million

Gross: $12.8 Million

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 6%

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0zDsaCalcNE]

Urgh! So yeah, there was definitely going to be a Street Fighter movie on this list. And a film would have to work pretty damn hard to be worse than a film that included Kylie Minogue and a ginger Jean-Claude Van Damme, but The Legend of Chun-Li blows it out of the water.

Intended as the origin story of one of the most iconic Street Fighter characters, The Legend of Chun-Li plays less like a story of how the young fighter found her way in life and instead treats us to a powerpoint slideshow on alienating film fans and gamers alike as more than a few tired old clichés are dragged out from the dusty cupboard they should have been left in. The mention of another key character at the end, hinting that a film based around Ryu was in the works shows just how much they thought they had a franchise starter on their hands and just how out of touch everyone involved in this film actually was.


3] Need For Speed (2014)

Budget: $66 Million

Gross: $203.3 million

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 22%

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYyvKqKwRco]

The one and only film that, at least according to Wikipedia, actually made money, tricking more than its fair share of gullible fools into thinking that it might actually be a good film. Sadly, we live in a post The Fast and The Furious world and a shit movie about a bunch of guys racing nice cars isn’t anything close to engaging anymore. Fast and Furious had to evolve to survive its flagging appeal and somehow Need for Speed still made a killing at the box office doing what Vin Diesel and Paul Walker were doing a decade and a half ago. And that would be ok, if it wasn’t so bloody dull!

Every one of us gamers saw just how bad an idea it was to try adding a story to the Need for Speed franchise with 2011’s disgrace of a game, The Run. So instead of trying something new, they simply put that same story to film, added a less than mediocre revenge story, stunt casted the pretty crap Aaron Paul and made a film that included Michael Keaton as a pirate radio running race organiser channelling Beetlejuice behind a mic.

The fact that this made a killing at the box office is only encouraging more of the same! In the next few years there are plans for a second Need for Speed film, as well as a film based on Sony’s Gran Turismo. And I blame everyone that added to that $203 million for that. It’s your fault!


2] DOA: Dead or Alive (2006)

Budget: $21 Million

Gross: $7.5 Million

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 34%

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luSqcSVGknU]

Dead or Alive, oh how I loathe you. If ever there was a video game franchise that needed to die, it’s Dead or Alive. The franchise so out of touch with modern game playing that it focuses more on jiggling boobs than it does fighting mechanics; and considering the amount of vitriol thrown at game developers at even the hint of a bit of sexism in their game nowadays, how Dead or Alive constantly gets away with it, I’ll never know. Between sex pest levels of gross purchasable school-girl costumes and its volleyball tie-in game, it’s the channel five porno of fighting games and it’s fucking awful.

You would think that this would made perfect fodder for a rubbish straight-to-tv, or nowadays, straight-to-itunes, movie and in that respect, this would be a barely passable film. But to put this awfulness up on that hallowed silver screen is beyond sacrilegious. This film that sold its audiences on appearances from Holly Vallance (remember her?), Jaime Pressley and Devon Aoki. You know, those women absolutely known for their fighting skills and their attention to perfectly choreographed combat and NOT for just being gorgeous. Yeah? Them.

I feel a little guilty for having this film on the list, because the game is just as bad. But Jesus Christ, I’ve never felt so gross playing a game or so skeevy watching a film.

Leaving us with:


1] Super Mario Bros. (1993)

Budget: $48 million

Gross: $20.9 million

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 19%

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAqoB17yQqY]

No one can try and write one of these lists without mentioning Super Mario Bros; not only the worst film based on a video game ever made, but generally one of the worst things ever put to film. An absolute abortion of a film that its star, the late great Bob Hoskins, distanced himself from. Calling the film a “complete nightmare” and admitting that if he had a chance, he’d erase it from his past, Hoskins was never shy about sharing his opinion on this terrible flick. With similar stories from co-stars John Leguizamo and Dennis Hopper, the film has left a legacy of terrible stories of a troubled production and should forever be used as an example of how never to make a film based on a beloved property.

Setting one of the most colourful video games in history in what looks like the underground society from Demolition Man, trying for an adult theme and attempting to make it grounded and realistic is absolutely not the way to do the Super Mario Brothers, or its legions of fans, proud.

Extra special hate gets directed at this lumpy skid mark of a film since Bob Hoskins’ death a little over a year ago. In an attempt to up their click count, video game websites started running stories that the man known for playing Mario Mario had died, shitting all over a stellar career by shining a light on the man’s worst moment in film and not educating an entire generation of players who’ve never seen The Long Good Friday on an amazing actor who deserved much, much better than that.


Dishonourable Mention – Uwe Boll

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VT1J65KHX8E]

I couldn’t decide which of his films to add to the list, so instead I’ll simply mention the man, the myth, the douchebag that is Uwe Boll. A man whose legacy to film includes ruining more than a few outstanding games as he does the filmmaker equivalent of shitting into his own hand and smearing it on our walls. The man’s filmography includes monstrosities like Far Cry, two Alone in the Dark films, three BloodRayne movies and Postal.

Recently, the gaming community breathed a sigh of relief as “Raging Boll” took to YouTube to announce he wasn’t making films anymore.

Good. Because I believe I speak for every game playing film lover when I say “Fuck that guy!”

You can hear the team talk briefly about their favourite and least favourite video game adaptations on our podcast released back in 2013. If you’d like to hear us do a new podcast on the topic, leave a comment below or get in touch with us on Twitter, Facebook or email at failedcritics@gmail.com!