Tag Archives: Ted 2

US Box Office Report: 24/07/15 – 26/07/15

Pixels has insufficient quarters, Southpaw goes down in the fifth, Paper Towns exposes the flimsy construction of the John Green empire, nobody wanted to see what The Vatican Tapes didn’t want us to see, and Other Box Office News.

by Callum Petch (Twitter: @CallumPetch)

Folks, you did it.  You kept Pixels from the number 1 slot.  And you kept it from making any decent amount of money, as it closed the weekend in second place with just $24 million.  You did it, gang!  You really did it!  You proved that you are over Adam Sandler.  His scurrying away to the darkest bowels of Netflix with the rest of Happy Madison is like when the exploited villagers of a cynical, money-grubbing dicksh*t finally rise up against him and drive him out of town with pitchforks and torches!  You did it, folks!  Admittedly, it was a close call, since Ant-Man is currently only sitting pretty at the top by $750,000, but you did it anyway!  And that’s what counts!

In fact, it was a rather miserable and underwhelming week all around, to be honest.  Antoine Fuqua’s boxing drama Southpaw, for example, was released this weekend.  Remember how excited we all were for that movie?  When we saw Jake Gyllenhaal all scary-jacked up, and how amazing Rocky was, and how this was going to be this big awards season contender that one time and that finally Jake Gyllenhaal would have to be recognised in all Best Actor races after being bewilderingly shut out last year?  You know, until that trailer came out and… yeah, there’s a reason this one was dumped mid-Summer.  Audiences agreed, and so the film opened in fifth place with $16.5 million.  On the bright side, I got to make a Snatch reference in the headline, so this whole thing wasn’t a total waste!

Meanwhile, the John Green Empire took a critical hit in its formative stages thanks to Paper Towns.  Compared to the runaway smash success of The Fault In Our Stars from last year – of a $48 million first place kind – Paper Towns struggled to reach $12.5 million and sixth place.  Is this because teenagers are fickle as f*ck?  Is it because everyone had places to be this weekend?  Or is it just because a subpar adaptation of an author’s inferior-to-his-much-better-work novel wasn’t going to make any money anyway?  It’s probably the last one.  After all, people weren’t exactly tripping over themselves to race to the box office to see that 2013 adaptation of Stephanie Meyer’s The Host, were they?  Just goes to show that not every novel by an author is worth adapting just because one of them was good and/or popular.  If somebody could pass that message along for me to the people who keep pumping out insufferable Nicholas Sparks movies, that’d be just swell.

In The Land Of Really Stretching The Term Limited Releases, Mark Neveldine – of Neveldine/Taylor of Crank 2: High Voltage more commonly known as THE GREATEST ACTION MOVIE RELEASED THIS CENTURY – decided that he was going to try and be the Shawn Michaels to Bryan Taylor’s Marty Jannetty and split off to direct the found-footage exorcism flick The Vatican Tapes.  As karma for this act of betrayal/insolence, the film sat on the shelf for a good year and a bit before finally getting dumped in 427 theatres, trashed by critics, and managing a pathetic $850,000 for a sub-$2,000 per-screen average.  Hopefully now he and Taylor – whom I was just reminded was supposed to direct and release a Twisted Metal movie this year, which caused me to laugh for a solid minute – will recognise that they are stronger together and go back to making movies as a cohesive unit!  Daddy needs Crank 3D, dammit.

Also, the best performing film of the weekend was Woody Allen’s Irrational Man, which added 21 screens (for a total of 28), and took home $261,000 for a $9,321 per-screen average.  Once again, you all do know that you don’t have to give him money for everything he does, right?


ant man

A winner is you with this Full List.

Box Office Results: Friday 24th July 2015 – Sunday 26th July 2015

1] Ant-Man

$24,765,000 / $106,075,000

Again, this is currently real tight, so things may switch when the actuals come in, but everything’s great for now!  Also, allow me to highlight this well-argued piece by Umberto Gonzalez about how he was offended by the character of Luis in Ant-Man.  I personally don’t agree with the piece – as I mention in my review, I feel that the film’s commitment to ensuring that everyone gets enough development to be a character keeps characters like Luis from being just a racist stereotype – and most of the article’s (mostly Latino) commenters don’t seem to agree either, but it’s well-written and I have huge respect for him bringing the issue forward.  Even when it seems like we’re being too sensitive, it’s still important to call out these things and have these discussions.

2] Pixels

$24,000,000 / NEW

Seeing this on Tuesday for an Unlimited Screening and a review will be along the following day, so I’m restraining any sick burns or easy jokes until then.  Hell, I’m even going to flush them out of my mind completely!  With films like Pixels, I worry that we all take a little too much pleasure in dumping on easy targets, that we get a little carried away and just devolve into strings of (often admittedly) hilarious insults because we can be united in attacking a common low-effort target.  That’s why I try really hard to avoid doing that in my reviews of such films – my Paul Blart and Entourage reviews do have the occasional funny lines, but mostly stick to explaining the legitimate genuine faults those movies have instead of going for comedy gold.

What I’m saying is that I like the middle-part of Moviebob’s Pixels review, where he breaks down in detail why the film sucks, but that review blew up for all of the wrong reasons and that makes me sad and/or mad.

3] Minions

$22,100,000 / $261,620,000

Look, you all like to insult the Minions and claim that their kind and their movies are abominations and the downfall of civilisation.  OK, whatever.  But, have the Minions ever made an allegedly videogame-themed theme song for their movie by Waka Flocka Flame (featuring two people from Good Charlotte who I am not 100% convinced aren’t just clones of one another), where the lyrics barely reference videogames, barely rhyme, and are performed on a beat that sounds like Maroon 5 covering a Panic! At The Disco cover of a 2015 Fall Out Boy song?  I rest my case.

4] Trainwreck

$17,300,000 / $61,545,000

I hate to bring the mood down, but let’s all just take a moment to mourn those killed at The Grand 16 Theatre in Lafayette, Louisiana this past weekend.  I could use this space to get incredibly angry – at the lax gun control laws, to the fact that the media keeps painting the cause of the shooting as a mystery despite the fact that it took place during a feminist film by a feminist movie star and that the victims were women who were shot by a man with a history of abusive behaviour towards female members of his family – but I’m honestly just kinda numb to all of this by this point.  It’s clear that nothing’s going to change – not gun control laws, and certainly not the toxic sexism that has been ingrained into our society – and I just can’t muster up any emotions about this anymore.  Like, seriously, what is it going to take to get something to change?

OK, sorry for springing that on you folks in what is supposed to be a fun and silly space.  Back to our regularly scheduled programme.

5] Southpaw

$16,500,000 / NEW

Saw this Friday and a review will be along tomorrow – it got held up by the length of time it took for me to write about Inside Out – but I will tell you that this one was incredibly disappointing.  A film that actively steers itself away from anything remotely interesting or new in favour of yet another tale about male masculinity and fatherly redemption, but this time with extra excess melodrama.  It’s fine for what it is, but I’m tired of seeing films like Southpaw.  Tell me something new!

Also, I do kinda have to agree with my friend Matt: making a non-Rocky-related boxing movie over an MMA movie in 2015 is pure wankery.

6] Paper Towns

$12,500,000 / NEW

So, question: who, what, where, why, and how Cara Delevingne?  Seriously, I go to bed one night, and then wake up the next morning to find people incapable of not talking about her and that she’s appearing in the something like 7 films over the next 12 months.  What gives?  I mean no disrespect for her or anything, she might be a fine actress and a perfectly upstanding human being, I’m just naturally cautious about anybody who blows up overnight and is in everything.  Last time this happened, we got The Walking Embodiment of Beige, commonly known as Jai Courtney.  Just saying.

7] Inside Out

$7,356,000 / $320,335,000

Here is my attempt to offer up a straight review, where I only talk about the film and why it’s brilliant and I love it on its own merits.  That took 8 hours to write.  Here is my in-depth, personal, and spoiler-y piece on why Inside Out is so emotionally attached to me in ways that I really can’t separate it from.  That took about 3 hours to write.  Writing, everybody!

8] Jurassic World

$6,900,000 / $623,803,000

Ladies, gentlemen, and others… your third highest grossing film domestically AND worldwide of all-time.  I’ll leave the thinkpieces to you folks, I really don’t care either way about this.

9] Mr. Holmes

$2,849,000 / $6,432,000

Hey!  This actually broke into the chart!  Yay and stuff!

10] Terminator: Game Gear

$2,400,000 / $85,666,000

On the one hand: YIPPEE!  This piece of dog sh*t is bidding us adieu!  We might be spared a sequel after all!  On the other hand: dammit!  I had all of these videogame console name substitutions lined up for usage, and now they’re all going to go to waste!  What good is a once-slightly-clever gag escalation if I don’t get to run it into the ground?!  Life is the worst!

This is a situation with no clear-cut answer, so I’m just going to embed the unquestionably godawful Pixels theme song below and call it for the week.

Dropped Out: Magic Mike XXL, The Gallows, Bajrangi Bhaijaan, Ted 2

Callum Petch won’t be around.  He now mainly writes for his own website (callumpetch.com).  Follow him on the Twitters (@CallumPetch)!

US Box Office Report: 17/07/15 – 19/07/15

Ant-Man shrinks the standard Marvel opening, Trainwreck is anything but a, Mr. Holmes effortlessly cracks The Mystery of How To Get Into the Top 10, these puns are awful even by my standards, and Other Box Office News.

by Callum Petch (Twitter: @CallumPetch)

So, here’s the deal.  I am really frickin’ tired.  Not gonna lie.  I’ve been really busy these last few days working on something big, and I’m just plain not sleeping well, so Sunday night is currently not the time where my brain is most engaged.  Right now, all I really want to do is lie down in bed and alternate between Phineas & Ferb and Parks & Rec episodes until my brain just collapses into Sleepsville.  However, my “job” involves providing fresh Box Office Reports for your fine self to read first thing on a Monday morning, and if there is one thing that I am committed to it is my “job”!  I spent just over 30 straight weeks pumping out giant DreamWorks Animation essays after all!  So, let’s just try and get through this together, eh?

Keeping those doom-saying think pieces that pretty much every Box Office commenter and Internet writer has had prepped for the last three years in storage just a little while longer, Ant-Man is your new box office number 1, with $58 million in ticket sales!  Of course, those think pieces could still be trotted out if everyone wanted to, as that $58 million opening is the second-worst in Marvel Cinematic Universe history (only besting The Incredible Hulk’s $55 million), but it’s only one film and a number 1 opening is still a number 1 opening however you slice it.  Besides, I don’t think we need to be encouraging these things.  I honestly don’t know which will be worse at this point: the incredibly smug “I told you so” attitude that every single card-carrying member of Film Twitter and Film Internet will sport when these films do start failing, or the whiney defensive attitude that will come from the part of the Internet that keeps painting Marvel as some kind of victim being bullied by Film Snobs.  It’s like Aliens vs. Predator only somehow even worse than that.

In much happier news, Amy Schumer and Judd Apatow’s Trainwreck was a huge success, coming in third with $30.2 million!  No, that wasn’t sarcasm.  See, Trainwreck is Apatow’s second-biggest opening weekend as a director, just behind Knocked Up’s $30.6 million, and the film itself is an R-rated female-focused comedy starring an untested talent in the world of film and being released against the newest instalment in the Marvel juggernaut.  This is genuinely a roaring success!  Woo-hoo!  Go Amy Schumer!  Between this, Spy, and Pitch Perfect 2, this has been quite the year for female-fronted comedies.  Now, if we could get some movies fronted by non-white female comediennes, that would be just peachy…

In “really stretching the definition of ‘limited’ release” news, Bill Condon’s excellent Mr. Holmes – a film that just missed out on my Top 5 of 2015 So Far list – crossed the pond to 363 theatres this past weekend, and managed to crack the Top 10 with $2.48 million in tickets and a respectable $6,800 per screen average.  Almost matching it on 100 less screens, and perhaps another sign that Indian cinema is about to finally break somewhat big in America, was Bajrangi Bhaijaan which took $2.42 million for eleventh place and a per-screen average of $9,400.  These two may even switch places when the actuals come in, but, as you all know, I only work from these final estimates cos I have sh*t to do, thank you kindly.

Meanwhile, in actual limited release news, Woody Allen’s latest “older man falls for much, much, much younger woman” tale, this one going by the name Irrational Man, made $188,000 from 5 screens of die-hard Woody Allen fanatics with nothing better going on in their lives.  Everybody does know that they don’t have to help him film everything he comes up with, right?


This Full List is brought to you by the warm dulcet tones of Ringo Starr.  Because Thomas the Tank Engine is featured in Ant-you know what never mind.

Box Office Results: Friday 17th July 2015 – Sunday 19th July 2015

1] Ant-Man

$58,040,000 / NEW

Saw this on Friday and the review should hopefully be up soon – it’s not yet because I didn’t finish writing it until Saturday afternoon, because my brain currently hates me, and Owen was off enjoying The First-Ever Failed Critics Meet-Up so couldn’t get to posting.  Short version: I really dug this one.  It has problems, but I really, really dug it!  There’s a second article that’s going up later this week that may make it seem like I hate this movie, but I do actually really like it.  That’s the thing about criticism, taking issue with a certain aspect doesn’t mean that the rest of the film can’t win you over!  It’s almost like opinions are these multi-faceted and nuanced things or something.

2] Minions

$50,200,000 / $216,692,000

Steeper-than-expected 56% drop, which looks really bad compared to the second-week drops of the first (42%) and second (47%) Despicable Mes.  But, of course, neither of those opened to $115 million domestic and this $50 million second weekend is about in line with those films’ low $30 million and low $40 million weekends.  Yeah, this is doing more than OK, although that unfortunately means that Illumination now have a green-light to run this franchise into the ground.  I mean, they were probably going to anyway, but now they have an excuse to.

3] Trainwreck

$30,200,000 / NEW

Absolutely cannot wait for this.  Really, truly, cannot wait for this.  I think that Amy Schumer is one of the most important voices in comedy right now and I am dying to see what she can with two hours and the romantic comedy template.  News from America indicating that this is way more traditional and less subversive than I was hoping it would be has tempered my expectations and excitement but only slightly.  Seriously: bring this baby on already!

4] Inside Out

$11,660,000 / $306,363,000

When we next meet, folks, I will have seen Inside Out.  I would like to thank Owen for cordoning off review privileges for this on this site for myself and myself alone.  It’s like he understands that I live to be the sole person reviewing all of the animated films.  He gets me, he really does.

5] Jurassic World

$11,400,000 / $611,174,000

I… I really got nothing for this one anymore, folks.  Enjoy this song from Phineas & Ferb, instead.

6] Terminator: 2600

$5,400,000 / $80,640,000

I’m just going to bury my head in my hands and hope against hope that this one just goes away, if that’s alright with everyone else.  Emilia Clarke deserves better, dammit!

7] Magic Mike XXL

$4,500,000 / $58,636,000

I hope this becomes a Cult Movie Night fixture.  You know the ones: those special screenings full of die-hard fans who know the film front-to-back, love and appreciate every last second of it, get its progressive sexual politics completely, and are completely comfortable in their love for this movie.  They’ll all meet up once every few months and make a night out of seeing this film, the cinema will provide each attendee with a roll of (convincingly) fake dollar bills to rain down upon the screen at the appropriate times, and everyone will just have the most fun and best time together shrieking in pure glee.

I hope this happens, at any rate, cos that’s a film screening experience I want to have!

8] The Gallows

$4,005,000 / $18,007,000

THIS JUST IN: Shitty Horror Movie That Nobody Liked Plummets In Its Second Weekend.  More at 11.

9] Ted 2

$2,700,000 / $77,457,000

So, Ted 2I was promised some Rachael MacFarlane in your movie.  I went to see your movie and I noticed no Rachael MacFarlane.  I feel very much betrayed by this, and you can expect a very strongly worded letter expressing my disappointment to be along in the post shortly!

10] Mr. Holmes

$2,489,000 / NEW

I wanted to write a review of this after I saw it, but I never got around to it due to this whole “being back at home and feeling miserable” lark causing me to have trouble putting words to paper.  In any case, I highly recommend it, especially if you’re sick of Sherlock Holmes adaptations cos it’s not really one.  It’s more a mediation on death, aging, memory, regret, and selfishness that ties back into Sherlock Holmes in specific ways but is mostly a movie that just happens to feature Sherlock Holmes.  I loved this one and cannot recommend it enough to you!

Just don’t be one of those berks who marks it down because “the mystery wasn’t that difficult or compelling” otherwise you and I will be having words.

Dropped Out: Self/Less, Baahubali: The Beginning, Max

Callum Petch is not sleeping, cold wind blowing.  Listen to Screen 1 on Hullfire Radio (site link) and follow him on the Twitters (@CallumPetch)!

Failed Critics Podcast: Ted 2, Dear White People & Song of the Sea

ted 2Welcome to another edition of the Failed Critics Podcast where Steve Norman and Owen Hughes are joined by not one, not two, but three guests in Jack Stewart, Chris Wallace and Phil Sharman from the excellent Wikishuffle podcast!

The last time you might have heard Wikishuffle appear on our podcast was back in April during the Quizcast and, as ever, Steve kicks off this pod with a quiz of his own before the team discuss latest new releases. There’s disappointment over Seth McFarlane’s controversial comedy sequel Ted 2. The Sundance Grand Jury Prize nominated dramady Dear White People doesn’t quite live up to its hype. Even the animated Irish fantasy film Song of the Sea squeezes its way into this edition.

Despite this episode being shorter than our most recent efforts, there’s still time for: Owen to review the much lauded 1994 sports documentary Hoop Dreams; Phil rewatches The Guest, his favourite film of last year; Chris tries to figure out why this season of True Detective isn’t working for him; Jack actually has fun (no, really) whilst watching Minions; and Steve finally gets around to Marvel’s Netflix show, Daredevil.

Join us again next week as we’ll be back to review Ant Man! In the meantime, don’t forget to vote for Wikishuffle in the UK Podcaster Awards.

LISTEN VIA ACAST FOR THE MOST INTERACTIVE EXPERIENCE

DIRECT LINK

US Box Office Report: 10/07/15 – 12/07/15

The Minions are their own boss, The Gallows has made back its budget 100x over, people were selfish and didn’t see Self/Less, it’s not been a good week to be a limited release, and Other Box Office News.

by Callum Petch (Twitter: @CallumPetch)

It was only a matter of time.  They started off innocuously in 2010’s Despicable Me, cute little comic relief characters whom we all collectively agreed were the best part of that otherwise mediocre movie.  Then the merchandising flood started and we happily accepted it because they were adorable.  Then their involvement in the films increased exponentially with Despicable Me 2 and we cheered because Despicable Me 2 was a great film, so what’s the problem?  Then those irritating Facebook memes started – useless, insincere attitude stock phrase bullsh*t that pasted random Minions onto their rubbish and called it a day – and we shook our heads in dismay but did nothing.  And then it happened.  Universal drowned us in marketing for the Minions spin-off movie, and you couldn’t avoid them.  Everywhere you turned.  Merchandise, posters, adverts, Amazon packaging.  Nowhere was safe, nowhere was free.  The takeover had occurred, we had to submit to our new Minion overlords for they had won.  They had conquered.

Therefore, Minions opened to $115 million this past weekend, making it the second-biggest opening weekend for any animated feature ever.  May God have mercy on us all.

Meanwhile, like it or not, The Gallows is actually a roaring success.  Oh sure, a fifth place opening of $10 million may not seem like a success, but that’s ignoring the fact that the film allegedly only cost $100,000 to make.  Such is the beauty of Blumhouse Productions, a production company that can get a horror movie made so cheaply that it is almost literally impossible for them to make a film that bombs.  It’s kinda like how Uwe Boll used to be able to write off half of the budgets for his various “movies” through complicated tax breaks except, y’know, Jason Blum has actually produced a good film or two in between his crap.  Plus, he quite literally has three more films coming out in the next two months, so it’s not like this mediocre performance is going to slow him down or anything.

Elsewhere, Tarsem Singh tried to bring back intellectual sci-fi with Self/Less, a film about whether it’s morally justifiable to force Ryan Reynolds to do bad things that he doesn’t want to do, as opposed to those bad things he chose to do like Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past.  Unfortunately, this is Tarsem Singh we’re talking about here, and so the director of Mirror, Mirror proceeded to apparently make a terrible movie that squanders all of its potential.  Consequently, since reviews are make or break for these kind of films, the film has tanked with barely $5 million for eighth place.  Dammit, people!  You can’t stop the Reynoldssaince!  No matter how hard you try, it won’t be stopped!

Having a similarly bad weekend was pretty much every limited release that came out this week.  Doing the best of the lot was Do I Sound Gay?, a documentary examining the stereotype of the gay voice that brought in a decent $11,000 from its one screen.  Next up there was Boulevard, an apparently underwhelming drama that we will all see anyway because it’s Robin Williams’ final role, with $7,000 from one screen.  “Globe-trotting” comedy Meet Me In Montenegro, and I don’t need to see or hear any second of that movie after seeing the phrase “globe-trotting” used non-ironically when describing a film’s genre in 2015, did poorest with $6,000 from 10 screens for a dismal per-screen average of you work it out.  All of these movies were out-performed by a re-issue of the 1992 Mel Gibson romance flick Forever Young, which took $70,000 from 14 screens for a $5,000 per-screen average.  Not one part of that last sentence makes any sense to me.


minions

This Full List, like seemingly everything else on the planet right now, is brought to you by the Minions.  Give into the yellow pill-shaped fellas.  Resistance is futile.

Box Office Results: Friday 10th July 2015 – Sunday 12th July 2015

1] Minions

$115,200,000 / NEW

Watched this again with a friend I hadn’t seen in years this past weekend because we got to the cinema too late to catch the first showing of Ted 2 and way too early for the next screening of Amy so had to see something, and also I am why you people are suffering so.  And guess what?  I still liked it!  So all of you Minion haters out there can go suck something that doesn’t make this insult homophobic!

Also, Fun Fact: the animated movie with the biggest opening weekend of all-time is still Shrek The Third with $121 million because you are all far worse than I am.

2] Jurassic World

$18,100,000 / $590,638,000

This will cross $600 million domestic next weekend which is quite literally insane.  It is now the third highest grossing film of all-time worldwide (or it will be, since Box Office Mojo isn’t immediately up-to-date on foreign totals anymore so there may or may not be a delay), which is also insane.  The backlash is insane, the extreme love is insane, the film itself is insane.  It’s all just one big melting pot of insanity.

3] Inside Out

$17,108,000 / $283,638,000

Turns out that this did, in fact, beat Jurassic World when the actuals came in for the three-day weekend last week.  Therefore, it is no longer the only Pixar film to not hit number 1 on the charts!  Yay!  After all, if this apparently amazing film couldn’t hit number 1 but Cars 2 could, then what does that say about us as a collective society?

4] Terminator: 3DS XL

$13,700,000 / $68,718,000

WOO HOO!  It’s failing!  It’s failing!  Uh huh!  Yeah!  Alright!  And even with foreign grosses factored in, it’s still only made $225 million against a $155 million budget!  Ah, life is good, folks.  Life is good.

(*suddenly remembers that the film has yet to open in China*)

Oh, hell, no.  If the Terminator: Vita sequel moves ahead but the Mad Max: Fury Road one doesn’t, sh*t is going to get royally f*cked up, I am warning you right now.

5] The Gallows

$10,015,000 / NEW

Have you seen the initial trailer for this?  In case you haven’t, it’s embedded below, but Cliff Notes are that it’s literally just a girl sobbing for 80 seconds before being Jump Scare Killed.  Does that rub anyone else the wrong way?  I don’t mean in the way that horror is supposed to make you uneasy, I mean in the sense that it seems more than a little exploitative and fetishizing of a woman in distress?  I guess I can give it points for being honest, but still.  You know.  Yeah.

6] Magic Mike XXL

$9,640,000 / $48,359,000

Allow me to use this space to pay my respects to The Dissolve, real quick.  A beacon of pure light and excellence in an Internet film space that seems to be in a race to the bottom, it was the film site that managed to be intellectual without coming off as snobby, diverse without looking down on mainstream film, clever and witty without coming off as snarky, proof that it was possible to write about films without having to be a closed-off academic cretin or a click-bait listicle doofus.  The only real upside to this incredibly sad news is that at least the site is still up for the time being, so you can still read fine articles like Tasha Robinson’s look at how Magic Mike XXL treats female pleasure.

R.I.P. you beautiful angel.  We apparently don’t deserve you, and that just isn’t goddamn fair.

7] Ted 2

$5,600,000 / $71,619,000

Saw this this past weekend and a review will be along in short order.  Man, I wish Seth MacFarlane would write actual jokes again.

8] Self/Less

$5,379,000 / NEW

Bummed to hear that this apparently sucks, although I will in theory get to find out for myself this week, but at least I get to inform you that The Voices is now available to buy on DVD and Blu-Ray!  Seriously, go buy that damn movie.

9] Baahubali: The Beginning

$3,575,000 / NEW

I didn’t mention this in my limited release roundup for two reasons.  The first is that 236 screens is really stretching the definition of “limited” for my liking.  The second is that it broke on through to the top 10 so I can talk about it here instead.  Plus, if I mentioned that this film managed an utterly ridiculous $15,148 per-screen average in the limited release section, then that would have discredited my headline, and I really cannot be arsed to go back and change it now.  It’s late, I’m tired, let’s just push on through.

10] Max

$3,420,000 / $33,705,000

I… I really got nothing for this.  This movie’s premise just makes me too sad.  God knows how I’ll make it through the actual movie, I might singlehandedly put a whole load of Kleenex executives’ kids through college.

Dropped Out: Spy, San Andreas, Me and Earl and the Dying Girl, Dope

Callum Petch, bring it close to my lips, yeah.  Listen to Screen 1 on Hullfire Radio (site link) and follow him on the Twitters (@CallumPetch)!

US Box Office Report: 03/07/15 – 05/07/15

Terminator: Genisys’ order to “Come with [it] if [we] want to live” is studiously ignored, Magic Mike XXL only ends up in a light shower of dollars, they tried to make people watch Amy and people said “Yes, yes, yes”, and Other Box Office News.

by Callum Petch (Twitter: @CallumPetch)

Ah, 4th of July weekend!  The five-day stretch where everybody, in their great patriotic American duty, travels down to the cinemas to watch the latest wares that Hollywood has to peddle!  Past years have seen films like Despicable Me 2, The Amazing Spider-Man, various Transformers movies, a Twilight instalment, and (obviously) Independence Day launch in this lucrative and prestigious slot in order to help fuel that great American past-time: ignoring your families and friends by sitting down and shutting up for two and a bit hours!  And, sure, last year was kind of a major disappointment, but those movies weren’t going to set any box offices on fire, anyway.  This year had two supposedly highly anticipated sequels to beloved franchises, plus the continuing success of two of the strongest box office holdovers to come along in an age!  Everything was going to be peaches and cream, right?

Well, not exactly.  If you’re a holdover, this weekend was pretty great for you, at least.  In the three-day statistics (which are the only numbers that matter in this house), Jurassic World grabbed a hold of that number one slot for the fourth straight week in a row with just under $30.9 million, whilst Inside Out just cannot seal the deal with $30.1 million for second place.  Of course, with numbers that close, things could switch when actuals come in, and Inside Out apparently won the five-day weekend quite handily if we looked at things like that, so this isn’t exactly information that is going to send Pixar executives in existential crises about whether their time is really up or not.  After all, it’s neck-and-neck with Jurassic World and has been for three straight weeks.  That’s like if I lasted 12 rounds against Brock Lesnar.  Sure, I didn’t win, but I got some good hits in as he was treating my body like a Stretch Armstrong!

Good News, folks!  Terminator: Mega Drive is a failure!  For an expensive blockbuster with a beloved franchise attached to it and the intention of starting a brand new trilogy from it (like every single blockbuster ever nowadays), it did appallingly!  Over the five-day weekend, the film could only manage $44 million, whilst the three-day weekend cut that down to just $28 million!  To make matters even better, it was crushed by Jurassic World, another expensive blockbuster with a beloved franchise attached to it, in proof positive that people will skip your film if it as utter miserable shit as Terminator: CD is!  Also in Good News: in the land of limited releases, Amy, the Amy Winehouse documentary directed by Asif Kapida (the man responsible for 2011’s excellent Senna), got off to a fantastic start with $220,000 from 6 screens for a $37,000 per screen average.

Bad News, folks!  Magic Mike XXL has crashed and burned!  Perhaps forever cautioning Hollywood studios from making movies solely for the female or homosexual gaze, XXL could only scrape together $26 million from the five-day weekend, and $11 million from the three-day weekend.  Who knows why this happened?  Maybe everybody saw the trailer to this one, remembered the trailer to the first Magic Mike and went, “Oh, no!  I’m not falling for that again!”  Maybe certain prospective audience members didn’t have anyone to go with and felt too ashamed to go alone?  Maybe everybody who saw it the first time was in too much pleasure to risk going back for seconds, or incapable of communicating to their friends just how brilliant the film is?  Or maybe, just maybe, it could have something to do with the fact that THE MOVIE OPENED ON A WEDNESDAY, YOU BLITHERING IMBECILES!  Why would you do that?!  Do you hate making money?  Do you?


terminator genisys

Much like Judgement Day and Jai Courtney’s inexplicable leading man career, this Full List cannot be stopped.  It can only be delayed for a short period.

Box Office Results: Friday 3rd July 2015 – Sunday 5th July 2015

1] Jurassic World

$30,900,000 / $558,137,000

Good lord, this might actually reach $2 billion.  It’ll at least get close enough that it’ll cross that threshold when its inevitable re-release comes along in a few years’ time, and maybe even dethrone Avatar at that point, too.  This is mind-blowing to me.  In fact, everything about everything that isn’t to do with the film itself is mind-blowing to me: the rampant mega-success with the public, the extreme vitriol with which it’s been received by everybody I know and follow on Twitter, with many all but claiming its success to be an indicator of the death of cinema with the general public.  I don’t get that, but nor do I get the earth-shattering success it’s been having.  I stand by my review but… it’s a fun dinosaur movie that’s honestly kinda terrible.  It’s not brilliant and it’s not an abomination.  Can somebody please fill me in on how both sides got to their respective stations?  I’m confused, and I don’t like not understanding people, it’s one of the many reasons why I’m so miserable all the time.

2] Inside Out

$30,105,000 / $246,160,000

Have I ever mentioned that I love Amy Poehler?  Because I do, and I think that she’s amazing, and that this train of praise and adoration that she’s currently on is more than deserved.  Seriously, she’s wonderful and I admire the ever-loving heck out of her.

3] Terminator: 32x

$28,700,000 / $44,156,000 / NEW

I hate this movie.  I hate this movie with a burning passion.  I hate its simultaneously needlessly complex and nowhere-near-as-clever-and-complex-as-it-thinks-it-is plot.  I hate its dreadful special effects.  I hate how I was not once scared or intimidated by a skinless Terminator.  I hate its insipid exposition-heavy and grade-school level dialogue.  I hate how dreadful absolutely everybody is in this movie despite many people showing that they are far better actors and actresses elsewhere.  I hate the fact that it restages so many moments from the first two Terminator films and expects easy nostalgia points for doing so under the untrue guise of “subversion”.  I hate its utterly pathetic excuse of a Sarah Connor.  I hate its awful action scenes.  I hate how it won’t even reach for being obviously and extravagantly bad, instead just settling for mediocrity and expecting everyone to not get angered enough to take it to task for that.  I hate the fact that it was fucking right about doing that and that everyone is letting this one pass with a shrug of their shoulders instead of the righteous fury it deserves.  I hate it I hate it I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate it!

I don’t hate Terminator: Jaguar as much as I hate Entourage, but I hate it more than Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, and the fact that 2015 Film is trying so very hard to keep Paul Blart from the Top 5 of my Bottom Films of 2015 list is a genuine thing that we should be concerned about.

4] Magic Mike XXL

$11,600,000 / $26,656,000 / NEW

In complete contrast to Terminator: Dreamcast, I adore Magic Mike XXL, as my super peppy review helpfully demonstrates.  It is a thing of wondrous majestic beauty, especially in the way that it is super progressive in all of these brilliantly quiet ways whilst still being nearly two hours of blatant wonderful fan-service.  I really cannot stop thinking about this movie, and I’m probably going to see it again next week.  I might even see if Lucy’s up for coming again, although I get the feeling that that first time was enough for her.  You seriously should have heard her when Backstreet Boys started on the soundtrack, it was magnificent and I was feeling exactly the same as her!

5] Ted 2

$11,000,000 / $58,334,000

Well, in four days’ time, I guess I’ll find out if my fondness for Seth MacFarlane has to once again be affixed with a giant specific asterisk and hidden from sight unless directly brought up.  At least we still have American Dad! and his excellent voice acting.  Those can’t ever be taken away from me.

6] Max

$6,610,000 / $25,349,000

Oh.  I guess the fact that this is apparently rubbish has cut those seemingly long legs short after all.  Or maybe we all saw Marley & Me and are now automatically sceptical about any film with a dog because we don’t want to cry when something bad happens to it.  Either works.

7] Spy

$5,500,000 / $97,846,000

Ex-Disney CEO and Professional Tit Michael Eisner stated his belief, at the Aspen Ideas Festival (which is a real thing and I can’t believe that either) on Thursday, that “the hardest artist to find is a beautiful, funny woman.”  Prefacing the following with an acknowledgement that “I am going to get in trouble, I know this goes online”, which should be as clear an indicator as humanly possible to stop talking, he believes that “usually, unbelievably beautiful women… are not funny.”

I don’t think I need to add anything more to that.  Although I will say that I bet that Eisner’s wife is just thrilled to know that her husband finds her either ugly or a humourless shrill.

8] San Andreas

$3,030,000 / $147,373,000

How many of you spent your 4th of July watching Independence Day?  Come on, don’t be shy!  It’s good to remind yourself of how much dumb, slightly guilty fun that movie is before the sequel comes along and is inevitably terrible!

9] Me and Earl and the Dying Girl

$1,320,000 / $4,004,000

God, this is like my own personal version of the monster from It Follows.  It’s coming, it can’t be stopped, there is no way of getting away from it, and it will get me.  Urgh.  I just want to get this over with, already, please.  Films that are clearly going to be terrible but that I have to see anyway are the worst.

As for It Follows, it is pencilled in for October 31st.  I’ll explain more closer to the time.

10] Dope

$1,098,000 / $14,104,000

You people disgust me.

Dropped Out: Insidious Chapter 3, Mad Max: Fury Road, The Avengers: Age of Ultron

Callum Petch knows when to go out and when to stay in.  Listen to Screen 1 on Hullfire Radio (site link) and follow him on the Twitters (@CallumPetch)!

US Box Office Report: 26/06/15 – 28/06/15

People REALLY f*cking love dinosaurs, Ted ends up like Flash Gordon – a thing we all liked as a kid and now want to distance ourselves from, [Insert Tasteless Mean-Spirited Batkid Begins Gag Here], and Other Box Office News.

by Callum Petch (Twitter: @CallumPetch)

For the third week in a row, somehow, Jurassic World has taken the top spot at the box office, this time with $54 million in ticket sales, pushing its domestic total to over $500 million.  There’s a part of me that’s surprised that Jurassic World is doing this well, but I guess it’s gonna take a while for a film like this to stop posting non-ridiculous numbers when it opened over $200 million.  That, incidentally, is still something I definitely can’t get over.  Meanwhile, Pixar’s Inside Out is probably going to become the first Pixar film to not hit the number one slot, since Jurassic World managed to keep it off of the top even with $52 million in ticket sales.  I guess everyone prefers velociraptors fighting genetically-modified dinosaurs to intimate tales of depression.  In entirely unrelated news, Pixar have just delayed The Good Dinosaur yet again.  Apparently they’ve finally cracked the ending.

“But wait, Callum,” I hear you, imaginary reader calling out to nobody in particular.  “Weren’t there new films out this last weekend?”  Indeed there were, astutely attuned and likely very attractive reader!  Indeed there were!  Specifically, Ted 2 happened and, in the grand tradition of Seth MacFarlane works, was apparently nowhere near as good brought back from its at-the-time great original self.  The film regressed.  Significantly.  Whilst the first Ted managed to break box office records with a $54 million opening, Ted 2 could only manage $33 million for third place.  It’s not as bad as A Million Ways To Die In The West’s $16 million third place opening, but it’s still troubling.  Now, thanks to this, Seth MacFarlane is going to have to make and unleash that Family Guy movie upon the world.  Thanks, you lot.  Thanks a million.

In “Films That Are Guaranteed To Make Me Weep Like A Three Year-Old” news, Max, the family drama about the loyal dog of a deceased soldier that returns home and suffers from PTSD…  sorry, you’ll need to give me a second.  Just typing that sentence is causing my eyes to water.  …OK, I’m good.  Anyways, that film got off to a pretty good start for a low budget and thinly advertised family drama, managing $12 million for fourth place.  Its limited release equivalent, Batkid Begins, which is a documentary about how the city of San Francisco came together to help Make-A-Wish kid Miles Scott’s dream to be Batkid for a day… … …OK, I can keep going.  Anywho, that film didn’t get off to such a good start, only managing $23,000 from 4 screens because YOU ARE ALL HEARTLESS BASTARDS!

Elsewhere in the part of these articles where I kill time before we get to the Full List, The Third Man received a special re-release to celebrate its restoration and managed an alright $24,000 from 3 screens because who wants to watch old movies at the cinema anymore, AMIRIGHT LADS?  A Little Chaos, a movie I fell asleep watching at the cinema for what it’s worth, finally debuted in 83 American theatres and was collectively shrugged out of the room with only $186,000 and a $2,241 per-screen average.  Runoff, a festival darling that’s finally managing to get a theatrical release, was the only real bright spot for limited release films this weekend, managing $10,000 from a single theatre.

Actually, no, wait!  There was another good slice of news in limited release!  Me and Earl and the Dying Girl expanded to 354 locations and couldn’t even manage $1 million!  THE SYSTEM WORKS!


jurassic world

This Full List is nowhere near as good as it was before it got cancelled the first time.

Box Office Results: Friday 26th June 2015 – Sunday 28th June 2015

1] Jurassic World

$54,200,000 / $500,100,000

Highest grossing film of the year domestically.  Add another $737 mil onto that and you have its current worldwide total.  This will beat Frozen in the all-time worldwide totals by the time I finish writing this sentence, and will probably cross Age of Ultron off the list on its journey for world dominance by the end of next week.  This is a literal juggernaut.  A quite literal juggernaut.  How?!  I had a lot of fun with it, and even I am perplexed by the sheer non-stoppery of this thing!  If Terminator: Mega Drive falls to this next week, I will not be surprised, believe me.

2] Inside Out

$52,128,000 / $184,945,000

Accidentally found out that Inside Out is all about a young girl who has to move house and goddammit Pixar why don’t you just stab me in the heart and get it over with!  Seriously, it doesn’t matter if this movie ends up being garbage, I will cry seven hundred times watching it.

3] Ted 2

$33,000,000 / NEW

I honestly just don’t know why Seth MacFarlane hasn’t just made a musical already.  He clearly loves them, he’s already recorded two big-band and swing albums, and his voice would probably be able to carry the musical you just know he’d have a starring role in.  I mean, it would certainly be better if he just admits that he wants to make a musical and does a full-on musical instead of forcing them into everything else he does even though they mostly just kill the pace of the thing he’s shoving them into.

4] Max

$12,210,000 / NEW

You remember what I said about Inside Out?  Multiply that by a thousand for this.  Not joking.  This past weekend, I thought I’d lost my dog, Mac, and spent five minutes running about the house in pure panicked terror because I couldn’t find him and was worried he’d somehow slipped out of the house without my knowing.  Then I opened a closed bedroom door and found him sat there wondering why I was looking so terrified.  Yeah, this film will kill me.

5] Spy

$7,800,000 / $88,351,000

So this is on track to become Paul Feig’s lowest grossing film yet – unless you count his pre-Bridesmaids films, which nobody does because doing so is stupid – despite it being his best by a country mile.  That’s a shame, but hopefully Hollywood won’t hold it against him when it comes time to bankroll his and Melissa McCarthy’s next films.  After all, everybody has been summarily crushed by Jurassic World, it’s not like this is indicative of anything except that all films need dinosaurs.

6] San Andreas

$5,275,000 / $141,871,000

I’m actually completely out of things to say about this, so have a picture of an adorable puppy.

kitty

7] Dope

$2,862,000 / $11,776,000

Sigh… goddammit, people.  You can’t spend forever joining me in campaigning for greater diversity and representation in movies and then not actually pay to see the ones that get a wide release!  This is why Jai Courtney gets to be a thing, people!  That is your goddamn fault!

8] Insidious Chapter 3

$2,025,000 / $49,816,000

A cinema in Middleton, Ohio ended up playing Insidious Chapter 3 for a group of families who had instead turned up to see Inside Out and every single story like this always bewilders me for the following reasons.  1] When you’re programming the projector, do you really pay that little attention to the title of the film you’re setting up that you really will confuse Insidious for Inside Out?  2] Does America not flash up the rating and film title before the film starts like we do in England?  Cos this seems like a weird thing to not do if that’s the case.  3] Why don’t the families scramble for the nearest exit when the studio logos quite clearly indicate that this is not the Pixar film they signed up to see?  4] Why does everybody continue to stay in the cinema long after it’s been made apparent that this is a horror movie and not something the kids should see?  Y’all do know that horror movies don’t start flinging jump scares and loud noises and terrifying images non-stop from frame one, right?  That’s what horror videogames do.

9] Mad Max: Fury Road

$1,735,000 / $147,078,000

Still got nothing to add, so here’s a picture of an adorable kitten.

kitten

10] The Avengers: Age of Ultron

$1,643,000 / $452,428,000

Word is starting to come in on Ant-Man from lucky so-and-so American critics, and the consensus is currently at “Hey, that was actually pretty good!”  Called it.  I mean, that’s how the early consensus on all Marvel films initially comes to, but I called it nonetheless.  You people can’t commit to your Marvel backlash!  Not when they’re still putting out films that are at least good or better!  (*acts like a petulant fanboy, loses all credibility, becomes washed-up jaded alcoholic at the age of 20*)

Dropped Out: Pitch Perfect 2, Tomorrowland

Callum Petch was falling in love.  Listen to Screen 1 on Hullfire Radio (site link) and follow him on the Twitters (@CallumPetch)!