(Click this link and press play now!) Dare to believe you can survive [another Michael Bay Transformers movie]. You hold the future in your hand. Dare. Dare to keep all of your dreams alive [of never having to sit through another one]. It’s time to take a stand. And you can win, if you dare [to stay home when the Bumblebee solo film comes out].
The Equalizer has no equal, The Boxtrolls live underneath The Maze Runner, take Pride in that film’s per-screen average, these are some of the worst puns you will see all week, and Other Box Office News.
by Callum Petch (Twitter: @CallumPetch)
Now that that awful headline has chased off anybody without a strong enough constitution, let’s get down to business. The Equalizer is your new number one with $34 million in ticket sales and a per-screen average of over $10,000. You know, despite it looking like garbage. Still, that didn’t stop it becoming the fourth-highest September opening in history behind Hotel Transylvania, Insidious: Chapter Two, and Sweet Home Alabama which, if you’re anything like me, you’ll be googling right now to find out what the hell that was. Chalk up the success to the presence of Denzel Washington, the Patron Saint of movies that inexplicably make a lot of money despite immediately fading from memory after viewing. Don’t believe me? OK, then: what year did 2 Guns come out? The correct answer was August of last year, not that you’d get that seeing as you actually had to google 2 Guns to remember what it was.
As for the week’s other new release, The Boxtrolls, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that the film now has the second biggest opening for a stop-motion animated film ever, behind Chicken Run, said opening is more than the ones for both Coraline and ParaNorman, and the lack of any family-focussed films on the release docket for next week gives it a strong chance of holding well! The bad news is that it opened in third with only $17 million in ticket sales. Again, that’s still a lot considering the genre, but, dammit, Laika deserve even more success! I may be a bit more down on The Boxtrolls than most people, but it’s still better than most animated films I’ve seen so far this year and the company deserve a full-blown financial success after the outstanding ParaNorman barely broke even!
In limited release town: The Skeleton Twins began its move towards a wide-ish release by expanding to 385 theatres and netting a total of $1.231 million from them, for a decent per-screen average of $3,200. Christian (the faith, not the professional wrestler) musical-drama The Song hit many bum notes on the 340 screens it infected, taking only $568,596. Más Negro Que La Noche, a Mexican remake of the 1975 Mexican horror film of the same name (so never let it be said that only the American film industry is out of ideas), did slightly better by netting $550,000 from 178 screens.
The real winner, though, was Pride, which began its charm offensive on the American shores with a measly 6 screens. It more than made the most of them, though, raking in a per-screen average of $13,662 for a weekend total of $81,971. Some box office reporting outlets describe this success as “decent”, seemingly forgetting that not every limited release is a f*cking Wes Anderson project that can rack up a $200,000+ per-screen average from 4 cinemas. Pride expands a bit further in a couple of weeks and, if you’re not sold to go and see it just yet, here’s my review to persuade you to part with your cash. See what I did there? Seamless, wasn’t it?
Also, If I Stay decided not to this week. I am absolutely not a hack writer.
The enjoyment that you will derive from this Full List is equal to or greater than your appreciation for those four prior paragraphs.
Box Office Results: Friday 26th September 2014 – Sunday 28th September 2014
1] The Equalizer
$34,137,828 / NEW
There should be a review of this up soon somewhere on here, although not by me as I haven’t seen it yet. Cut me some slack, I was busy last weekend and, besides, this looks like garbage. I mean, that clearly hasn’t stopped me from going to anything this past year, as you may be able to tell, but everything I hear about this film just fills me with dread and bile. Ugh, just bring on Gone Girl already, please.
2] The Maze Runner
$17,437,020 / $57,955,347
Only a 46% drop between weekends which bodes incredibly well for its long-term financial prospects. And it’s also apparently pretty good? That last part bodes well for its critical prospects with myself, but we’ll have to see. Besides, it’s not like I’m not seeing it in two weeks. What am I gonna skip it for? Annabelle? In the words of one Lana Kane: NNNOOOOPPEE!
3] The Boxtrolls
$17,275,239 / NEW
Dammit, people! “Good, not great” does not equate to “skip it almost entirely”! In fact, what do you all seem to have against stop-motion animation? Not one has been able to break past the $18 million opening barrier (unless you count the wide-release expansion of Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride which, as you may have already guessed, I do not); what gives? Why are you not enamoured by the medium? What, do you hate seeing love, effort and attention being lavished on every frame? Look, I am not leaving here until I get answers as to why The Motherf*cking Nut Job opened with more cashola than The Boxtrolls did!
4] This Is Where I Leave You
$6,894,340 / $22,441,091
Now, on the one hand, this film has only had a 40% drop between weekends. On the other hand, there’s a difference between third and fourth place of over $10 million. I’m just saying, it looks bad.
5] Dolphin Tale 2
$4,788,153 / $33,618,190
Oh, Christ, I have to watch the first one of these before Friday, don’t I? Dammit, I don’t have time! I have been busy! I still am busy! Why did there have to be a sequel to Dolphin Tale, for f*ckssake?!
6] No Good Deed
$4,509,127 / $46,532,221
Well, it could be worse. It could be a film version of Kevin Williamson’s new TV show, Stalker.
7] A Walk Among The Tombstones
$4,192,785 / $20,830,290
An almost literal plummeting of 67%. Seems like Liam Neeson will not be becoming the next Denzel Washington any time soon. Both with regards to box office and also with regards to the fact that, for the most part, his films are actually good. Yeah, I went there.
8] Guardians Of The Galaxy
$3,765,941 / $319,169,216
Now officially the third highest grossing Marvel Cinematic Universe film domestically, having passed the original Iron Man last weekend. Worldwide, it’s still only at number five, but it should pass Thor: The Dark World soon enough, seeing as there is still the very lucrative China market still to go. On a related note: man, did Thor: The Dark World have foreign legs or what? I mean, I loved it (unlike pretty much everyone else I talked to) but I didn’t picture it as the kind of film that would do as extremely well as it did.
9] Let’s Be Cops
$1,516,021 / $79,628,884
This is still making money? How?! Who in their right mind decides, on the seventh week of its release, to go and see Let’s Be Cops again, or even for the first time? What, did those involved go, “Well, Ferguson has been on the back-burner for a while, I can watch this without it weighing on my conscience” or something? Cos, news flash, that’s still going too! Never let it be said that this feature doesn’t keep you in the loop with regards to current events.
10] Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
$1,450,177 / $187,182,309
Go, ninja, go, ninja, go! Go, ninja, go, ninja, go! Far, far, far, far, far away, if possible, please.
Dropped Out: The Drop, If I Stay
No Good Deed goes without an accompanying first-place victory, America shrugs at Atlas Shrugged Part III, Dolphin Tale had a sequel, and Other Box Office News.
by Callum Petch (Twitter: @CallumPetch)
Hey! It finally happened! Americans were finally given films to see that weren’t Guardians Of The Galaxy! Unfortunately, in their combined crazed panic to get to the cinema and see these new films, lest they be taken away at the last second and they end up having to see Guardians yet again for the 27th goddamn time, American moviegoers failed to realise that most of the films that they were seeing were actually utter sh*t. But, hey, when has that ever stopped anything from becoming popular, right? In first place is No Good Deed, the Idris Elba and Taraji P. Henson starring home invasion thriller that absolutely does not have anything disagreeable going on under the surface no siree bob, with $24.5 million in ticket sales. Behind that we have Dolphin Tale 2, a sequel to Dolphin Tale and one I whose existence I will never not be bewildered by, which managed to con $16.5 million worth of families out of their monies because they don’t have Netflix in those far flung corners of the country (along with electricity, heat, and running water) and had to take what entertainment they could get.
In the more limited release-y side of proceedings, The Drop, a crime drama starring Tom Hardy and featuring James Gandolfini’s final role, succeeded best out of being the one released in the most screens, managing to break into the Top 10 with $4.2 million banked. As for those films that didn’t have that luxury benefit of a screen count that barely counts as “limited”; awards-season-hopeful that-will-be-nominated-for-jack-sh*t-because-it-was-released-too-early The Skeleton Twins did the best of the bunch taking $411,000 from 15 screens for a $27,000 per-screen average. Next up is My Old Lady, a comedy-drama that looks conspicuously lacking in both comedy and drama but managed to overcome those handicaps to take $134,000 from 11 screens, for a per-screen average of $12,182. After that we have The Disappearance Of Eleanor Rigby, the smushed-together cut of a romance-drama that is supposed to have its separate “Him” and “Her” cuts (which view events exclusively through the perspective of him or her) released at some point but you know the Weinsteins, which disappeared $77,200 from moviegoers pockets at 4 separate screens. Ha. Ha.
In the midst of all of this, though, spare a thought for poor old Atlas Shrugged Part III: Who Is John Galt? The final instalment in the film adaptation of Ayn Rand’s landmark novel that continued pressing on regardless of the fact that audiences said “no” twice before, having to raise the second film’s budget by selling the debt of the first one due to it bombing spectacularly, and taking to Kickstarter to fund the finale (not joking), escaped into the wild, this week. Now, normally, I’d sit here and laugh ultra-derisively at its pathetic opening of $355,000 from 242 cinemas (for comparison, Atlas Shrugged Part 1 opened on 299 screens in 2011 and made $1.6 million), but I kinda pity the thing more than anything. Everyone involved kept shouldering on, regardless of the financial bombs, the critical paddling, and the fact that they had to replace the entire cast between each film, because they wanted to tell their story. They desperately wanted to tell the story of Atlas Shrugged on the big screen and they weren’t going to let such a little thing as “repeated total systemic failure” get in their way! That’s kinda admirable, in a deluded way, and I applaud them for keeping on! Then I remember that the movies are absolute garbage and return to laughing at their quixotic endeavour.
Elsewhere, As Above, So Below bottomed out spectacularly in only its third week, slipping from sixth to twelfth; The Trip To Italy, otherwise known as “the cut-down film version of The Trip’s second series for fat stupid Americans with short attention spans”, extended its reach to 71 more screens and managed to take another $481,000 overall; The Identical, otherwise known as last week’s only new release, plummeted from an already dreadful opening by 75%; and Guardians Of The Galaxy became the first film this year to cross $300 million domestic. Which, you know, is a sign that Hollywood is f*cked and all that. Rather than deservedly doom-mongering for a couple of minutes, though, can we at least just celebrate the fact that a brilliant goddamn movie is making serious money, with China still to go? … … … …OK, that’s long enough.
This full list just broke into your house and is standing right behind you. I’m joking, of course. But one day, I might not be.
Box Office Results: Friday 12th September 2014 – Sunday 14th September 2014
1] No Good Deed
$24,500,000 / NEW
So, this is a film in which a big scary black man basically forces his way into a small defenceless woman’s home and tortures her mentally and physically for about 70 of the film’s 85 minutes? Nope, can’t see anything wrong with that set-up! Absolutely nothing that makes it tone-deaf in today’s societal climate! Not at all! Thank goodness the woman was black instead of white, otherwise then, and only then, would things have just crossed the line of good taste!
2] Dolphin Tale 2
$16,550,000 / NEW
Right, I want answers, which of you asked for a sequel to Dolphin Tale? Who honestly left the cinema after seeing the first film three years ago and went, “I need a sequel to that yesterday!” Who was it? Was it any of you on the Failed Critics staff? Was it you, Shawky? Don’t try to deny it! You’re the kind of guy who has seen Guardians Of The Galaxy 18 times in the cinema! Seeing this there once would not surprise me in the slightest!
3] Guardians Of The Galaxy
$8,041,000 / $305,926,000
Speaking of, I finally fulfilled my promise to my cousins to get them to the cinema to see this, this past weekend. They loved it, the elder one even forgot he had sweets for the entire first hour of the movie because he was so transfixed by the film on display. They both declared it “BEST FILM EVER” which I imagine was just as much because it was my treat as well as it being a great damn movie, but it was still refreshing to see just how much of an impact a good film can have on younger children who haven’t hit the “jaded teenager” mark yet. Ah, to be young…
Oh, sorry. Forgot for a sec that you don’t give a sh*t about my personal life. Moving on.
4] Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
$4,800,000 / $181,041,000
On the subject of films with uncomfortable treatments and scenarios for women, is anyone else really kinda disturbed by how the turtles treat April O’Neal in this trailer? They tower over her, menacingly intimidate her, one of them lays claim to her, and then they all threaten to “find her” if she reveals their existence. Err… our heroes, ladies and gentlemen? Maybe things are better in the finished film but, this being a film with Michael Bay involved in some capacity, I’m not holding my breath.
5] Let’s Be Cops
$4,300,000 / $72,972,000
So, I suspect that we will be getting that sequel notification any day now. Oh, you think there won’t be one? We are just two months away from a sequel to Horrible Bosses and seven months away from Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2. We will be getting a sequel to Let’s Be Cops, just wait for it.
6] The Drop
$4,200,000 / NEW
Yay! Tom Hardy’s starring in movies again! Which reminds me, I need to get around to seeing Locke. Would have seen it already, I love me a film with a purposely constraining premise, but it never came to any of my cinemas. Also, last time we’ll see James Gandolfini in a role. 😦 At least this gives me an excuse to link you to his scenes from In The Loop. Not that I need the excuse, mind.
7] If I Stay
$4,050,000 / $44,937,000
Just one more week in the Top 10 and it beats The Fault In Our Stars’ run! Let it have this one, America. It’s going to spend the rest of its life being unfavourably compared to that film, in terms of quality, financial success, impact and staying power; might as well give it this one break. Course, there are 4 wide release films next week, so that’s pretty unlikely, but wouldn’t it be something if it did succeed? And what if it beat The Maze Runner into bloody submission! Oh, wouldn’t that be something!
8] The November Man
$2,750,000 / $2,495,000
Right, forget this crap; have you seen the trailer for John Wick yet? Tell me you have! It is the most brilliantly ridiculous nonsense! If you somehow don’t want to see this film immediately after watching this trailer, then you and I are no longer on speaking terms. In fact, I’m going to embed the trailer below this entry so that there is no possible way for you to miss it!
9] The Giver
$2,626,000 / $41,329,000
Oh. Sh*t. Right. So, I didn’t actually expect this one to stick around this week, which means that my world-beating pun from last week is now rendered premature and wasted. Fantastic. F*ck you very much, The Giver.
10] The Hundred-Foot Journey
$2,461,000 / $49,409,000
HIS DOG WAS A GIFT FROM HIS DYING WIFE AND THE BAD GUYS KILLED IT!! That is pure gold, folks! Why are you not as hyped for that crap as I am?!
Dropped Out: As Above, So Below, When The Game Stands Tall, Lucy
Callum Petch will shoot your mouth if he knows where he’s aiming. Follow him on the Twitters (@CallumPetch)!