Failed Critics has grown from the ramblings of one man trying to educate himself on film, to the writers you see here today. We don’t claim to be experts on film, and we certainly don’t try to hide our cinematic baggage under a cloak of supposed objectivity. We just love films; blind spots, weird crushes, unreasonable prejudices and all.
At Failed Critics we’re more likely to break hearts than news. We care not for petty rumours and gossip, and we almost always pay to watch the films we’re writing about. Our personal connection to film is at the heart of everything we do here. Film, like all art, is about the way it makes you feel. The rest is just background noise.
The Failed Critics are available on Twitter and Facebook, and an in depth study of each of them can be found below. Should you wish to contribute to the site, send them free stuff, or tell them off, you can email them.
Want to support the podcast and website by getting your sponsored post viewed by our readers? Get in touch with our editor, Owen Hughes, at firstname.lastname@example.org
Podcast & Website Editor: Owen Hughes
Five favourite films: Night of the Living Dead (1968), 2001: A Space Odyssey, Apocalypse Now, Jurassic Park, Predator
Who would play you in the movie of your life: Jean-Claude Van Damme (I wish!)
Cinematic turn-offs: Anything accompanied by lyrics at the bottom of the screen
Often heard saying “yeah, I’m not a massive fan of that, but…” on the podcast to all of your favourite films, Owen is the resident prolific film watcher and editor for the Failed Critics website.
Podcast Host: Steve Norman
Five favourite films: Star Wars IV, V and VI, Escape to Victory, Die Hard
Who would play you in the movie of your life: Despite me wanting to say Brad Pitt or some handsome bastard, it’d be either Jonah Hill in a few years time or the late, great John Candy
Cinematic turn-offs: Musicals. Except South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut
Podcast host extraordinaire, Steve is a man whose logic defies convention. Stretching this to two lines is his biggest challenge. He succeeded.
Writers and Podcast Guests:
Name: Andrew Brooker
Five favourite films: Fight Club, American History X, Aliens, Oldboy, Mad Max: Fury Road
Who would play you in the movie of your life: I want Chris Hemsworth. I’ll get Seth Rogen
Cinematic turn-offs: Pointless, shoddy, Paint-By-Numbers remakes. Final films that are split into two.
Andrew spends his days in his office, rehashing sitcom and film quotes wishing he had time to write something meaningful.
Name: Paul Field
Five favourite films: Memories of Murder, Carry On Up The Khyber, Clerks 2, Paradise Lost, Cinema Paradiso
Who would play you in the movie of your life: The Stath….. No? Alright… Charles Hawtrey
Cinematic turn-offs: Movies made by accountants, usually Lionsgate horrors with a checklist to keep a 15 certificate.
Paul’s father and grandfather were cinema proprietors. This somehow validates him spending an inordinate amount of time sitting in his pants watching films.
Name: John Miller
Five favourite films: Reservoir Dogs, Memento, Shutter Island, Edge of Tomorrow, Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith
Who would play you in the movie of your life: The one and only Marky Mark
Cinematic turn-offs: Films that put the location on the screen. I can see the Eiffel Tower, I know it’s Paris!
John doesn’t spend all his time playing and talking about video games; he also does a lot of things he isn’t allowed to talk about in public, although it’s not as interesting as it sounds.
Name: Callum Petch
Five favourite films: Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, Inside Out, Zootopia, Alien, Snatch
Who would play you in the movie of your life: Hailee Steinfeld, if The Edge of Seventeen is any indication
Cinematic turn-offs: Sexism or misogyny of any kind, lazily and cynically constructed animated films
Callum Petch keeps getting asked back onto the Failed Critics Podcast for reasons that are a mystery to him. Callum also did not like Two By Two, get over it already.
Name: Matt Lambourne
Five Favourite Films: Fight Club, American History X, Godfather Pt II, Inception, Predator
Who would play you in the movie of your life: James Spader
Cinematic turn-offs: Sacrilegious remakes
Matt’s voyage into cinema began via work experience at 15 years of age as an usher, which led to a natural progression into Cinema Contact Centre busy body. Being able to see new movies for free and having 100% disposable income to blow meant a lot of bad DVD’s were bought and thus a monster was created.
Name: Tony Black
Five favourite films: Die Hard with a Vengeance, Indiana Jones & the Last Crusade, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, The Shining, 2001: A Space Odyssey
Who would play you in the movie of your life: In my head: Chris Pratt. In everyone else’s: James Fucking Corden (seriously, everyone says I look like him, EVERYONE)
Cinematic turn-offs: Wilfully offbeat, experimental filmmaking; anything by Michael Bay.
Tony spends far too much time podcasting & thinking about The X-Files, but when he’s not he also devours films, TV, books and eventually will release his own novels, probably circa 2110’s!
Five favourite films: Harold & Maude, Leningrad Cowboys Go America, Angels With Dirty Faces, Blues Brothers, White Heat
Who would play you in the movie of your life: Tony Hancock
Cinematic turn-offs: Anything to do with comic books. Schmaltzy OTT emotional guff.
Frequently mistaken for a depressed tumbleweed, Liam is proudly ignorant of all forms of modern culture & spends most podcast runtimes saying “Nah, not seen it”.
Name: Brian Plank
Five favourite films: The Prestige, Ocean’s Eleven (2001), Hot Fuzz, The Rock, Being John Malkovic
Who would play you in the movie of your life: David Tennant, using his proper accent
Cinematic turn-offs: Disaster porn, where films casually rack up a massive civilian body count
Brian doesn’t get to his local multiplex as often as he wants. You’ll have to speak up; he’s wearing a towel.
Gone but not forgotten (and founder of Failed Critics)
Name: James Diamond
Five favourite films: Back to the Future, Life is Beautiful, Alien, Amelie, Pulp Fiction
Who would play you in the movie of your life: Clint Howard
Cinematic turn-offs: Pointless American remakes of Foreign Language films
James is the founder, former-editor and all-round Keyser Soze of Failed Critics. He walked off into the sunset and nobody knows if and when he’ll ever be back. He still hates Top Gun.